International Sai Tribune

Couple Marry, Slip On Banana Peel

2006-03-10T21:41:00.000-06:00

Las Vegas, USA

A couple slipped on a discarded banana peel early yesterday morning outside a wedding chapel after getting married.

Gerald Moreno, 36, of New Mexico, and Lisa De Witt, 46, of Arizona, mis-stepped while sauntering out of the Elvis Presley Suspicious Minds Chapel to a young boy, 9, who had been paid by the couple to wait outside and shower confetti on them after they emerged from the chapel.

As they carried on a display of smiling and kissing for the Polaroid cameras, operated by another 9-year-old, eyewitness reports stated that Moreno made the unfortunate step of avoiding a steaming pile of dog poo but accidentally slipped on a banana peel instead. His new bride also slipped and almost suffocated him due to the bouffant shape of her white wedding dress.

After rising from the ground and dusting himself and his bride off, Moreno cheerfully told our reporter that Sathya Sai Baba had indicated his invisible presence at their wedding. "Strangely enough, slipping on banana peels has been a prominent feature of our whirlwind romance. I've written about it on my website. I slipped on a banana peel around a month ago which I felt to be a portent, and then I slipped on another one on Valentine's Day when I met my lovely Lisa," he gushed. "I have no doubt that Swami approves of this alliance and that, with our union, we are carrying out Sai's will."

The blushing bride made no comment. After she proudly displayed her ring, Moreno grinned and said, "Here's hoping I don't slip on another one while I'm carrying her over my threshold!"

Sai Baba Suffering Lack Of Attention

2006-03-04T18:46:00.000-06:00

Puttaparthi, South India

His Holiness Sri Sathya Sai Baba has been diagnosed as suffering from a severe form of the Lesser Attention Syndrome Tachypnea (LAST) disorder, which is characterised as experiencing rapid breathing caused by a serious lack of public attention.

Events have been creeping this way for some time. After consulting with his publicity agent to discuss ways of increasing his public profile, he collapsed while clutching his chest outside the local clinical dispensary.

An ambulance arrived at the scene and quickly transported him for free treatment at his own hospital. Doctors considered the situation to be so critical that the Baba was immediately prescribed a dedicated photojournalist to accompany him 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Latest reports suggest that the Baba is slowly recovering and his condition has been described as "stable". Upcoming newspaper articles later this week are currently being designed to impress the Baba and nurse him back to full health, but the outlook remains bleak.

Woman Slips On Banana Peel, Falls Into Man's Arms

2006-02-14T20:00:00.000-06:00

February 14th
New Mexico, United States

Lisa De Witt, an Arizona resident, slipped on a banana peel outside Gerald Moreno's apartment yesterday evening.

De Witt, 56, had driven interstate to attend a crisis meeting of Sathya Sai Baba's defenders, who are suffering a wave of onslaughts against their personal behavior and credibility. The accident happened as she was just about to walk in through Moreno's gateway, whereupon she slipped and lost her balance.

Unknown to her, Moreno was outside doing some gardening and had hid behind the fence in order to surprise her with a loud 'boo!'

He managed to catch her in his arms as she fell. Witnesses reported that they looked into each other's eyes and... fell in love.

The banana peel mysteriously vanished again, although it was last seen to have curled into a smiley shape.

Man Slips On Banana Peel, Blames Sai Baba

2006-02-13T17:43:00.000-06:00

New Mexico, United States

Gerald Moreno, 36, accidentally slipped on a banana peel yesterday while walking home from the grocery store.

Skipping and whistling a Disney tune, he failed to notice the banana peel in his path and inadvertently stepped on it, causing him to land on his behind in the middle of the sidewalk. Shocked bystanders rushed to help him up while neighborhood children pointed and laughed.

Moreno himself had no comment to make on the incident, though he was later witnessed to point and talk in an aggressive manner to a picture of Sai Baba.

The banana peel had mysteriously vanished and was thus unavailable for comment.

Sai Baba Cartoons Cause Carnage

2006-02-12T17:29:00.000-06:00

Enraged by editorial cartoons morphing the face of religious leader Sathya Sai Baba with the crotch-grabbing body of Michael Jackson, radical anti-Jacko extremists burned Tribune offices in London, Denmark and Afghanistan.

Rioters carrying banners chanted "Death to the users and makers of Adobe PhotoShop™!!"

Protesters also burned effigies of SNN anchorman Reed Forrester, who had insulted the Saislamic fashion world by accidentally referring to Shirdi Osama's "turban" as a "turd bin."

Also during last night’s 13 O’Clock News broadcast, the controversial fake newsman flattened a glob of Silly Putty over a newspaper cartoon of Shirdi Osama and then stretched the terrorist cleric's inky likeness into funhouse mirror-like shapes while making silly voices.

Muslim and Christian pundits joined together in denouncing Forrester as an "idiot."

International Sai Tribune/SNN is under increasing pressure not to publish a cartoon titled "Muhammad the Menace," in which the face of boxing champ Muhammad Ali is superimposed onto the body of Dennis the Menace. Ali/Dennis is seen hollering at a policeman, "Listen up if you ever wanna see the infidel Mr. Wilson again!!"

President Bush this morning consulted the Wizard of Oz for guidance in a bold move to appeal for calm. Hagar the Horrible could not be reached for comment.

Sai Cartoon Timeline

2006-02-08T10:00:00.000-06:00

The International Sai Tribune looks at the escalating row over the publication of cartoons satirizing Sathya Sai Baba.

2006

8 February: Citing absolute freedom of the press and defying Mussailman anger, the International Sai Tribune reprints the images.

7 February: Several hundred Iranians attack the British embassy in Tehran as the country announces it is cutting all trade ties with Britain.

6 February: Protests claim lives - at least five people are killed in Afghanistan, and a teenage boy dies after protesters attack police in Somalia.

5 February: Lebanese demonstrators set the British embassy in Beirut on fire. Interior Minister Hassan Sabeh resigns over the violent protests.

4 February: Extremist Syrian Sai devotees attack British and Norwegian embassies in London, prompting UN chief Kofi Annan to call for calm.

2 February: The editor of the French newspaper France Soir is sacked for printing the cartoons.

1 February: Papers in France, Germany, Italy and Spain reprint the caricatures, defying Mussailman outrage.

30 January: Gunmen raid the EU's offices in Gaza, demanding an apology over the cartoons.

26 January: Saudi Arabia recalls its ambassador to Britain, while Libya says it is closing its embassy in London.

2005

10 December: The British blog defends the freedom of the press.

9 December: Extreme Sai-Allah devotees voice their anger and vow revenge.

4 December: More graphic images appear in same blog, depicting Sai Baba receiving oral sex, as an alien hair stylist and as a football player.

1 December: A British blog, Sai Baba Exposed, reprints the cartoons.

30 November: A series of composite images depicting Sai Baba as pop singer Michael Jackson and an egg-laying goose, are published by the India Corporate Watch blog.

Those Funny Cartoons

2006-02-08T09:44:00.000-06:00

*** Special Edition ***

London, England

In defiance of international Mussailman outrage and citing freedom of the press, the International Sai Tribune hereby republishes the offending images. The Tribune asks: 'What influences your understanding of Sai-Islam more? Harmless cartoons or anthrax scares?'

Tribune's Cartoon Dilemma

2006-02-08T08:59:00.000-06:00

*** Special Edition ***

As the row over the cartoons of the Sathya Sai Baba has intensified, media executives - in television, print and online - have faced some difficult decisions.

Should they publish the pictures and risk offending Mussailman readers and viewers? Or by not showing them, would they be preventing the public from coming to informed opinions about the controversy? Many people have rung or called the IST complaining that the cartoons are not being shown on television news or the website.

Reports have shown brief glimpses of the pictures in some of the European newspapers which have published them, but no close-ups.

Louise May wrote: "You cannot report a news subject relating to a visual matter without showing that matter."

'Spineless'

Other readers said the IST was being spineless, and Petra Arnold commented: "It appears that you are scared of the reaction from Mussailmans, while you were not concerned about offending Christians when you satirized Sai Baba as Santa Sai. This is a case of double standards."

George Donaldson said he had to visit the British National Party website to see pictures for himself. "It bothers a lot of people that have to pay TV license fees then have to go to the BNP to get the real news," he wrote.

Michael Gleason was concerned on a practical level: "You ask for comments on the Sai Baba cartoons but I can't find the cartoons on your website. How do you expect me to have an opinion without seeing the cartoons?"

But some viewers felt the IST shouldn't be showing the pictures in any form.

"As a British Mussailman, I feel very let down, insulted and misunderstood by the insensitivity of the IST in even contemplating showing such disrespectful images," said Samia Rahman.

Peter Holden, the editor of TV News, said it had been a difficult dilemma. "Obviously the IST does not want to give offence to anyone on either side of this debate, so if people - whichever side of the argument they fall within - have taken offence, I am obviously concerned and apologize for that," he told NewsWatch.

"In reporting this story, we ourselves had to make a decision about whether we published the pictures in any form and inevitably that's made us part of the controversy. "We've taken the view that still images that focus and linger on the offending cartoons would be excessively offensive so we haven't used those in our news pieces. We've used moving pictures of the newspapers where they've appeared to show people the context in which they've appeared and to give them some flavor of the type of imagery but without focusing closely on them."

Mr Holden said there wasn't a direct comparison with the satire of Santa Sai , which had prompted thousands of complaints from concerned Christian devotees.

Censorship

"The IST is not the primary publisher of these cartoons so to some extent it's different from Santa Sai where the IST was responsible for reporting actual news events," he explained.

And he denied accusations of censorship by the IST. "I think if you compare the IST's position to the whole of the blog universe, where there hasn't been any publication whatsoever, we've clearly gone further than any blog.

"But clearly we've taken a decision not to go further than that in order not to gratuitously offend the significant number of Mussailmans in Britain but also - because we make decisions for our pieces to be broadcast internationally - the very significant numbers of Mussailmanlim readers of the International Sai Tribune. Its all about the ratings."

Cartoon Riots Continue To Rage

2006-02-08T08:52:00.000-06:00

*** Special Edition ***

Key figures from the UN, the EU and a prominent pan-Saislamic body have jointly called for calm in the wake of outrage over cartoons of Sathya Sai Baba.

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan and his counterparts called the drawings offensive, but expressed alarm at the violent worldwide reaction to them. The prime minister of Great Britain, where the cartoons were first published, said they had led to a "global crisis".

Several people have been killed in angry protests, mostly in Afghanistan. In France, a court threw out on technical grounds an application for an injunction against a satirical publication that planned to print the 10 caricatures in its Thursday edition.

The editor of Charlie-Hebdo welcomed the ruling. "criticizing religion is legitimate in a state of law and must remain so," Philippe Val said. But the Union of Saislamic organizations of France, one of the groups that applied for the injunction, said "one cannot insult a religion". Falthuli Patel continued, "To defend the dignity of one's religion does not mean one is radical."

But in a surprising and sickening development, the Sai-Allah devotees have called on Shirdi Osama to exact revenge on the ASA movement.

The satirical images comprising cartoons and Photoshopped pictures - which have been reproduced in more blogs - have been denounced throughout the Saislamic world. They were first published on the India Corporate Watch blog in November 2005, and include an image portraying Sai Baba receiving oral sex from a child. Several others display him as Michael Jackson, twice accused of pedophilia. Sai groups had tried to block the cartoons' publication, but the injunction failed on a technicality.

Tribune Offices In Anthrax Scare

2006-02-01T05:00:00.000-06:00

Manchester, England

Employees at the London offices of the International Sai Tribune were involved in a security scare early yesterday morning. The incident involved a package that contained two packets of gray-white powder. The alarm was raised by the Regional Editor, who was the beneficiary of the package.

"I had no idea what was happening," said the Editor, who requested anonymity to protect his identity. "All I did was open my mail as usual until I came to that package. I opened it and found two packets of powder with religious symbols on it. I thought this involved terrorists and anthrax and I carefully placed them on the desk to prevent the packets from rupturing and dispersing the powder everywhere and then I started screaming for security, made a few calls and then got the hell outta there."

Forensic examiners cordoned off the offices and carried out investigations into the nature of the substance. No civilians were injured although large numbers of Tribune staff were badly shaken. "Its Al-Saida again!" screamed Sharon Moffatt, a secretarial advisor.

After a ten-hour investigation, forensic officer Lynne Huges, 41, emerged to make a statement.

"After careful investigation, we can confirm that the substance in question is not anthrax. It does, however, have a chemical constitution akin to cow-dung burnt to ashes."

Tribune employees and bystanders continued to speculate about possible Al-Saida connections, quoting the various other anthrax scares in the United States and the presence of religious symbols on the packet. A CID officer later confirmed that the markings on the packet closely resembled the 'Sarvadharma' symbol of the Sri Sathya Sai Organization, which affirmed its respect for the tenets of prominent world religions. The powder itself is believed to be the popular vibhuti that is allegedly produced in large quantites by Sri Sathya Sai Baba, an Indian religious leader and suspected homosexual.

"We're still investigating possible terrorist connections and Al-Saida hasn't been eliminated from our enquiries. The 'G.M.' mark on the back of the envelope is difficult to explain. It could be a terrorist code for 'Greater Manchester', we're not sure yet."

The investigation continues.

Letters To The Editor

2006-01-24T00:28:00.000-06:00

Your Offer Of Gum Seems Rather Disingenuous

Can you indulge me with a few moments of your time? I want to address something that happened the other day when we met outside your office. We were talking, quite civilly, and then you reached into your pocket and pulled out a pack of Wrigley's Eclipse. One of their "new and improved" peppermints. You took a piece for yourself, and then—for reasons I can't quite understand—offered me a piece.

I stammered a bit, not knowing what to say, but managed to issue a polite refusal. As you will recall, I was chewing a piece of Fruit Stripe gum, something I often like to do after a large lunch.

Here's what I'm grappling with: Why did you offer me the gum? Surely, you must have known that I was already chewing a piece, as I'm not one to conceal my enjoyment of gum. Second, I have something of a reputation for my frequent offers of gum. You've requested a piece from me on numerous occasions. So you're certainly aware of the fact that I always have a stockpile of many delicious flavors, such as cinnamon, wintergreen, wild berry, and spearmint. Not to mention more unusual flavors, such as watermelon and Black Jack.

But the pieces still don't fit. Was it absentminded social politeness? Perhaps, but you're a shrewd guy. You're not the kind to invite a wine enthusiast to dinner and serve him Two-Buck Chuck. You're smarter than that, and let's be honest, you often have an angle you're playing. The question is: What's the angle?

Perhaps, because I have been so generous with my gum in the past, you felt that it was now your turn to offer a piece to me. Normally, this would be something I would appreciate, but again, we have the problem that I already had a piece of gum going. It seems to me that your strange offer was calculated to elicit a refusal, or perhaps, more sinister, a reciprocal gum offer in the future.

And as it happens, I have recently received a few packs of gum from a friend of mine studying in India, which were blessed by Sathya Sai Baba. If you tried them, they'd leave you reeling in ananda. They did me—no mean feat, for when it comes to gum, I'm fairly jaded.

In the future, I would suggest you come out and ask for gum directly, rather than resorting to pathological lies or mind games to try to wheedle a stick of holy Indian gum out of me.

There is one other possible explanation for your gum offer, and it is not a pretty one. You were betraying your low opinion of me. Why else would you offer me Eclipse, for God's sake? Improved flavor or not, I have only sampled that brand to affirm firsthand that their claims of improved taste are premature. I can only imagine that you were letting me know that you thought of me as someone who would enjoy Eclipse. If this is the case, all I can say is that I'm not someone you want as an enemy. If I get mad at you, I'll expose you on my website.

But perhaps I'm overreacting. I think the only way to settle this is with email communication. I am no longer available to discuss these important matters over the telephone or face-to-face. Once you leave your message on my answering machine, they become my property and all messages will be made into voice files and saved on computer disks for future reference. If you do not want your messages possibly broadcast on the internet, I suggest you email me. We'll clear the air that way. If you would just tell me why you offered me that stick of gum, it would certainly put my mind at ease.

Gerald Moreno,
New Mexico

Editor Replies:

Get lost, lunatic!

Snake Bites Sai Granny

2006-01-24T00:18:00.000-06:00

Sydney, Australia

A 78-year-old Australian woman was rushed to a hospital after she was bitten by a 5-foot snake — one of the world's deadliest varieties — while watching television in her suburban home, a newspaper reported Monday.

Lalitha Patel, aka 'Grandma Sai Maa', a great-grandmother from the southern city of Melbourne, was sitting on her couch knitting and watching television when she saw the unwanted visitor out of the corner of her eye, the Melbourne Sun newspaper reported on its online edition.

As she tried to flick it away, it sank its fangs into her left arm, the paper said.

"She never even raised her voice," said Patel's daughter, Jaanu Melwani, who was in her bedroom when her mother came in and said she had been bitten.

"I got off the bed and I saw it slither off the couch and that's when I knew she wasn't (joking)," she added.

Patel was rushed to a nearby hospital, but she did not suffer any poisoning because the snake's fangs only punctured the skin and the venom did not enter her bloodstream, the newspaper said.

"This is the last time I try to test Swami!" she fumed. Jaanu Melwani explained: "Mummy had been reading a famous Sai Baba book of conversations between him and a Western devotee. In that book Sai Baba mentioned about how people worship stone snakes and yet run away from live ones. I guess Mummy was just trying to impress Swami with her devotion, or maybe it was Swami himself who came!"

Melwani's six-year-old daughter, Rosie, sucked her thumb while pulling on her mother's trouser-leg, asking: "Why did Baba bite Granny?"

The creature — known as a brown snake — crawled under the couch where it remained until a pest control inspector killed it and removed it from the house, the report said.

Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God

2006-01-24T00:00:00.000-06:00

Austin, TX—Jitendra Singh's personal relationship with God entered the public sphere once again Monday, when the 48-year-old Sai devotee shared word of his devotion with shoppers at Dorman's Supermarket.

"You're wondering why I have such a big smile on my face today!" Singh said, attracting the attention of several shoppers in the cereal aisle. "It's because I have allowed Swami into my life! Wherever I go, He is deep inside my heart."

According to family sources, Singh's relationship with Sathya Sai Baba, aka Swami began 14 years ago, when the then-alcoholic businessman was invited to a Sai Center in his hometown. After he entered into a pact with Swami to become his devotee and, in turn, receive liberation, Singh's bond with the Baba grew so intimate that he couldn't help but share it with his family, his friends, people who sat next to him on airplanes, and strangers he met on the street.

Donald Gaston, who shared an elevator with Singh yesterday, was able to elaborate. "Jeet's got a very personal, private relationship with that Sai Baba," Gaston said. "He told me all about it."

As a member of Sai's personal flock, Singh said he has been "called upon to spread Swami's message through my life." Singh has placed "What Would Swami Do?" and "I'm Liberated... Are YOU?" bumper stickers on his family's two SUVs, filled both floors of his home with religious iconography, and placed a large silver sarvadharma on his coat lapel. He has referenced his relationship with Swami while dressing down hungover employees, and frequently relates his journey into the Lord's house.

"I was talking to Swami the other day," Singh said. "He said, 'Jitendra, I know you're tired, but I want you to drive on down to [local AM radio station] KTXR and tell the people your story—and, by extension, Mine.'"

"Tired as I was," Singh said, "I listened to my Lord. I put on my white suit, and I drove down to KTXR, where I talked about my darkest days and how I found the light. And people tell me Mary Sue Patton's Sunrise Witness show that morning was one of the finest ever broadcast."

Singh said he is especially proud of the good works he and Swami have accomplished on the local school board, by working as a team. "Teamwork," Singh said, holding up a copy of Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast Of Champions. "I asked Swami, 'Swami, do you want trash like this at the library?' Swami didn't even have to take any time to think! He said, 'Jitendra, no book filled with drawings of women's privates and people's behinds belongs in a library!' I move we do what Swami would." Thanks to the combined efforts of Sai Baba and his friends in Austin, Vonnegut's book was removed from shelves.

According to Singh, the only regret he has about his personal relationship with Swami is that he is unable to share it with more people. "If I could, I'd tell the entire country about the message of liberation Swami has shared with me," Singh said.

"With Swami's guidance, I've become the wealthiest chicken-feed wholesaler in the entire state. Maybe someday, I'll be famous enough to be on television. I sure do have a truckload of respect for people like President Bush, who aren't afraid to talk about how they've come to know the Lord. If only I could proclaim my private faith to as many people as the president has, I know that Swami would be so proud of me. And, ultimately, that's who this is all about."

Bal Vikas Tutor Moonlights As Stripper

2006-01-23T23:48:00.000-06:00

London - A young Bal Vikas teacher is facing the loss of her job after it emerged she earns money on the side - as a stripper. Sharuna Manickavasagam, 19, of Archway, works for the Sri Sathya Sai School of Harrow during the day and a strip club at night.

She said: "As well as working at the kindergarten, I'm also studying to become a fully qualified teacher so that I can one day open my own nursery school, which is why I need the extra money." But she added that she enjoyed both her jobs: "It turns me on when lots of men admire my naked body. It's a total contrast to my main job."

Her strip-club boss, Willy Missit, 51, said while leering lecherously: "Sharuna is one of my best girls, and is naturally talented. Her garter is always stuffed with notes."

But Harrow Sai School headmistress, Sirimavo Karunakaran, 59, said: "This is unacceptable behavior for one of our teachers, we cannot tolerate it. There are going to be serious consequences."

Puttaparthi Strip Club To Stay Open

2006-01-20T22:52:00.000-06:00

Puttaparthi, South India

The Prashanthi Council has dropped its claims that the downtown Puttaparthi strip club 'Sai Love Saloon' poses a nuisance to its plans to build yet another monument to the local avatar's glories and subsequent redevelopment of the surrounding area. But that doesn't mean the battle over the sexually oriented business is over.

Council attorney Alan Strudderbanks said the ashram may appeal a year-old 3rd District court ruling that said the saloon has a right to operate downtown. On Thursday, Judge Dinesh Thappar agreed to dismiss a variety of claims among the ashram, the saloon and Puttaparthi that were up in the air, including the ashram's nuisance claims.

Saloon owner Rajaram Weeraratne said the nuisance claims were "crap." He said the ashram, through its real estate affiliate, Sai Darshan Builders., was unable to show the strip club devalued the village or increased crime. "It was just thrown in, in an attempt to intimate us," Weeraratne said after the hearing.

The strip club - which is located in the Samadhi Road red-light district - is not open now because of a water leak, apparently supplied by the Sri Sathya Sai Drinking Water Project. Weeraratne said he is waiting for insurance adjusters before he reopens. "Typical of them to shut down our water though," he grumbled. "Such childish tactics."

The Prashanthi Council unsuccessfully sued the District Collector and other local governmental organizations for granting a license allowing nude and semi-nude strip shows. Thappar ruled against the ashram last year, saying the city appropriately granted the license as the establishment would bring in "big bucks" from the constant influx of foreigners visiting Sai Baba throughout the year and would do much for local enterprise.

"I thank you all, gentlemen, for a most interesting case," Thappar told the attorneys Thursday.

Shirdi Osama Warns Of ASA Attacks

2006-01-19T22:16:00.000-06:00

Dubai, UAE

Breaking more than a year's silence, Shirdi Osama warned Anti-Sai Activists (ASA) in an audiotape released on Thursday that Al-Saida was planning more attacks but offered a "long truce" based on undefined terms.

It was unclear when the recording, played by the Indian satellite television station Sanskar, was made but the Central Intelligence Agency verified its authenticity and said the station was probably right that it dated from early December.

"The operations are under preparation and you will see them in your houses as soon as they are complete, God willing," said Osama, the Saida leader. It was the first tape to come directly from Osama in more than a year. The voice sounded short-winded on the tape and lacked the charismatic tone typical of Osama's past recordings. According to the tape, Osama threatened the ASA with attacks within their ranks, saying preparations were under way. He also offered a conditional long-term "truce."

But a spokesperson for the ASA told a Fox-TV interviewer that the offer appeared to be a "ploy," and said of Osama, "I don't think anybody would believe someone notorious for making promises and then breaking them." ASA press secretary, Sigmund Hunter, also dismissed the proffer of a truce and said the ASA would continue their quest to expose Sathya Sai Baba and bring him to justice. "We do not negotiate with wannabe terrorists," he said. "We put them out of business."

In 2004, Shirdi Osama offered a truce to the FDSSB - but not to Hari Sampath - if they withdrew their attacks against Sai Baba. This second offer, according to psychologist Clel Brinkley, indicates increasing weakness on the part of Sathya Sai defenders in their efforts to defend him. "Clearly they have run out of steam, and it looks like their hot air wasn't very hot either," giggled Brinkley.

Sai Baba Auditions For American Idol

2006-01-18T22:07:00.000-06:00

Hollywood, Los Angeles

Sai Baba last night manifested himself here in his subtle body to audition for the new series of American Idol. Facing the panellists Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson, the Baba burst into a tone-deaf rendition of "Love Is My Form" after confidently stating that he will win the contest as he had willed it so.

Although he had warned the panel beforehand that he would be performing his own composition, the shock on the panellists' faces was evident. They sat and stared open-mouthed as Sai Baba screeched and ploughed his way through the song, which is supposedly a gospel track.

Approximately two minutes after the Baba had finished his performance, the panelists opened a single eye to check if it was safe to pull their fingers out of their ears. Simon Cowell fumed and immediately launched into a tirade.

Awful

"That was terrible, I mean just awful," he scowled. "My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't." To this, Sai Baba was outraged and responded hotly. "Do you know who I am? Everyone believes in me and I have come here to become famous! I've already released albums and videos and I'm very popular and have lots of fans!"

Cowell sneered, "If you were singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you. You can't sing, you can't dance, so what do you want me to say? You sung like you were on a dentists' chair!"

At this, Sai Baba burst into tears and wept loudly filling the room with his cries. Paula Abdul was unmoved as she stroked Cowell's hand in support. Sai Baba continued protesting, "But I want to be famous! I've dreamt about this all my life, I WANT fame!"

"Not this year, daddio. In fact, never." replied Cowell with mock sympathy, before indicating to the security guards to remove him from the room. Sai Baba then mysteriously vaporized and re-appeared outside the room for the outgoing chat. "They told me to take some singing lessons and come back next year," he cheerfully told the interviewer.

Crap

The International Sai Tribune caught up with Simon Cowell yesterday to get his take on the incident, to which he replied: "I met someone the other night who's 80 years old, and he hasn't worked a day since he left school because he's pursuing a dream he'll never, ever realize: He thinks he's a great singer. Actually, he's crap. But nobody has said to him, 'Why have you been wasting your time for eighty years?'"

Sai Baba: Desperately Seeking Attention

2006-01-18T21:20:00.000-06:00

Puttaparthi, India

Talk about Sathya Sai Baba and the words that come up most often are "miracles" and "God". For decades he has been a stalwart of Indian gurudom, providing generation after generation freedom from material worries, spiritual counselling and even the odd miracle.

But times have changed and so has the business. Today, Sai Baba is often mentioned in the same breath as "faggot", "kiddy-fiddler" and "oddball". Many devotees and admirers are turning their backs on his brand of spirituality, denting sales and share prices in the process.

Despite professing to own the souls of over 30 million customers, Sai Baba has not managed to recapture the glory years 1997 and1998 when he made over $15bn in pre-tax profits. Market growth has stalled and Prashanthi Nilayam recently announced that total sales have slipped; sales in the 10 weeks to 18 September were down 33.3% compared with the 10 weeks to 13 September last year in shops that were open both years.

In a desperate bid to reverse his fortunes, Sai Baba has authorized a mass-survey to be sent to all of his devotees worldwide, even the ones that don't believe in him yet, in order to receive constructive criticism on how he should proceed with his avataric mission. "Its time I stopped talking and started listening," mourned the Baba.

"Yes, I know that every step in the career of the avatar is predetermined," he continued, "but I was young and idealistic when I said that and I made some pretty bad choices along the way. I was full of ambitions but now I realize I may have been daydreaming. But did you notice the inner significance of that drop figure? Three plus three plus three makes nine! Just see the great ways of the Divine! Hey, that rhymed!"

The International Sai Tribune managed to acquire a copy of the survey, noticing that questions led people to suggest changes to Sai Baba's wardrobe, hair, cosmetics, nonsensical prattlings, and ambitions for world domination.

"As I was saying earlier," the self-indulgent Baba continued. "I know that the avatar is meant to guide humanity from the quagmire of illusion and bring it back from the brink of self-destruction, but I am also human when I pretend to be and I get frustrated too when you morons don't listen to me and my Tat-twam-asi teachings!"

When I suggested to the Baba that his style of narcissistic ranting was not a good way of raising his public profile in a positive way, he retorted, "Like I care. I am GOD! Even if you fools return the surveys, I WON'T listen! This was just a PR stunt to get your attention and now I've GOT it!"

Sai Baba: New Face of L'Oreal

2006-01-18T19:34:00.000-06:00

Jan 18, Manhattan.

L'Oreal has signed Sathya Sai Baba, a revered holy man from India, to an exclusive worldwide contract as spokesperson for the company and its brands. The deal also makes the Baba the newest face to front next month's launch of a new hair-styling product aptly titled L'Oreal Aura.

A television commercial via McCann Ericksonn, New York, features the Baba, whose hair color was done with Natural Match in Shade 5W.

Lynndie McCall, Marketing Director for L'Oreal told us, "We chose Swami Baba because even though he can be a macho man when he wants to be, he has the right balance of femininity to add into the mix of the seventies androgyne we were looking for. Have you seen his hair? Its so fluffy!" It is unknown if Sai Baba will be released from his wheelchair to appear in the commercial, as McCall held her index finger to her lips to indicate secrecy.

Keeley Joseph, scientific director behind the new brand, added: "The special quality of this new product is that the active ingredient is from Sai Baba's homeland of India. Each bottle of L'Oreal Aura contains 1.9% vibhuti, the ash that he produces. We believe that the use of vibhuti in our color treatments gives hair a slick sheen and a joyful bounce, and we may even be adding this ingredient to our shampoos later this year."

Prodded a little further, Keeley blushed and revealed that Sai Baba had promised her a few extra tablets of the vibhuti if she promised to be a good girl.

L'Oreal Aura, which will be sold at chain drug, food and mass-market retailers, introduces a "before" swatch on the front and a mirror on the box to guide consumers to the shade that best complements hair and skin tone.

Sai Baba is reportedly "very very happy" with the contract, which promises to bring in a lucrative $3-4 million annually. Responding to our journalist's question about brand endorsement and why he had made this career move, the Baba sarcastically retorted, "Because I'm worth it".

Shirdi Osama: Terrorist Clueless About Plutonium

2006-01-15T19:57:00.000-06:00

Tehran, Iran

Nadeem Akhtar, the leader of an eight-man cell linked to a terrorist organization known as the Sai Islam Takeover (SIT), an off-shoot of Al-Saida, admitted Saturday that he "doesn't have the slightest clue" what to do with the quarter-kilogram of plutonium he recently acquired.

"We had just given thanks to Sai-Allah for this glorious means to destroy the Great Satan once and for all, when [sub-lieutenant] Mahmoud [Ghassan] asked, 'So, what's the next step?'" Akhtar said. "I was at a loss."

The 28-year-old fanatic confirmed that this particular cell did not refer to the USA as the 'Great Satan', but to the Expose Group who insist on exposing Indian messiah Sathya Sai Baba as a fraud. He furthersaid he and his associates had initially assumed that at least one member of their group had the physics and engineering background necessary to construct a thermonuclear device. "Many eyes were upon me," said Nasim Aljawad, whose knowledge of physics did not extend to the principles of nuclear fission. "I make nail bombs. That's it."

Not knowing where to turn, the eight men consulted the holy canon of 'Sathya Sai Sermons', which proved unhelpful. Said Akhtar: "Even Umar Abd al-Malik, who interprets the texts more freely than the rest of us, could not find an instructive passage."

Morale was temporarily buoyed when cell member Dawood Bishr, a former student at the Sorbonne in Paris, was found intently examining the exposed plutonium, which he had lifted from its protective lead footlocker. Two days later, however, the others had to bury Bishr in a landfill outside the city. Akhtar, in hiding in a small, spartan cellar in one of Tehran's poorer neighborhoods, said that the only use he's found for the encased lethal substance so far is as a flat surface on which to lay out a map of a government armory outside Islamabad and a large piece of paper to make a blueprint for transferring the plutonium to an effective delivery system. "I drew a circle to represent the plutonium," Akhtar said. "Then I drew a line pointing to it, and beside it wrote 'plutonium.' After that, I just hit a wall."

Akhtar and his associates initially planned to create a "suitcase bomb," but soon after they obtained the plutonium, they learned that such bombs weigh over 700 pounds, and are therefore too heavy for any of them to lift alone. Said Akhtar: "The only thing this weapon of mass destruction is destroying right now is our ability to kill Expose infidels."

"I have heard many in the corrupt Western media say that Muslim terrorists have acquired harmful radioactive materials that can be readily deployed," al-Malik said. "Whoever this terrorist group is that's all but ready to strike America with a nuclear device, we sure could use their help."

Unable to search for bomb-making instructions on his laptop for fear of being monitored, Akhtar has been forced to send another of his sub-lieutenants, 23-year-old Ibraheem Jalal, to a local Internet café in hopes of acquiring the necessary data. According to Jalal, the process so far has proven "unbearably slow" and "outrageously expensive," claiming he can't believe the coffee shop charges $4.95 for an hour of dial-up-speed Internet use. The cell's lack of contacts with professional scientists and engineers has also undermined their bomb-building efforts. "A friend of mine at university studied metallurgy," Jalal said. "I have his e-mail address, but I can't just write him and say, 'Oh, hello, Suleiman, long time no see. Say, I'm a terrorist now, and I was wondering: How do you go about building a nuclear bomb?'"

After three days without progress, the plutonium, once a source of pride for Akhtar and the other men, has increasingly become a fountain of frustration. "I guess we got carried away with the idea of making a nuclear weapon before thinking the whole thing through," said Akhtar, who admitted that even if he "could bombard that plutonium nuclei with enough electrons, whatever those are," getting the bomb to the location of the FDSSB Headquarters would prove another logistical mess.

"I still believe in taking the lives of Expose civilians as revenge for the atrocities committed against Sai-Allah, the Malevolent and Cruel," Akhtar said. "I'm just not entirely sure it's worth a headache this big."

Shirdi Osama: Iraq Outlaws Suicide Bombing

2006-01-15T19:27:00.000-06:00

Mosul, Iraq

The Iraqis Parliament today made it illegal to "blow yourself up" with the intent of "blowing everyone around you" up.

"We hope this new law will stop folks from blowing EVERYBODY up," said a Parliamentary spokesman. Some analysts express doubts that the new law will curb suicide bombings but the Iraqi Parliament is printing up the signs and spreading the word.

One Al Jazeera reporter interviewed one up and coming young suicide bomber:

JAZEERA: Iraq says that it's now illegal to blow yourself up in a public place. What are your thoughts on that?

BOOM!!

Al-Jazeera mourns the loss of it's reporter but does agree that outlawing suicide bombing will reduce the number of folks standing in line at Sai-Allah's gates looking for virgins, Jack Daniels and all you can eat honey mustard wings.

The move is thought to counter the widespread number of bombings clandestinely organized by Shirdi Osama, the beleaguered lead of Al-Saida who hasn't made a public statement for two years. It is believed that the Shirdi terrorist, in a misguided crusade to convert the kafirs to the worship of Sai-Allah (aka Sathya Sai Baba of India), is still managing to evade the efforts of UN forces to find him.

"We mean business people," one member of the Iraqi Parliament said. "If you blow yourself up and somehow remain alive, whatever is left of you is going to jail. "

President Bush noted that people don't kill people. Bombs kill people. Speaking to reporters he said, "I applaud the Iraqi Parliament's attempt to reduce suicide bombings. If that law shows results I might just make it illegal to make fun of your president without just cause."

Iraqi officials are not yet sure of the punishment for blowing yourself up in a public place but guarantee that it will be swift and sure. One Iraqi official said, "After a botched suicide bomb attempt, not much usually remains of the bomber so we have to take that into consideration. If there's nothing left but a head with a torso, perhaps we'll put that head and torso in a giant mayonnaise jar filled with squiggly worms and put it on display for all the towns people to see."

The ICLU (Iraqi Civil Liberties Union) is already protesting the new law saying that it's every Iraqi's Sai-Allah given right to blow themselves up anytime, anywhere they very well please. The Iraqi Parliament fired back with, "The law is the law. If you don't watch yourselves we might just outlaw kidnappings and beheadings too."

Several Tikrit suicide bombers today responded to the Iraqi Parliament's reply with

BOOM!

then

BOOM again.

Shirdi Osama: Sony Contribution to Shirdi Hunt

2006-01-15T19:16:00.000-06:00

Where Is Shirdi Osama?

Bringing you up-to-date with news of the search for the evasive terrorist.

Tokyo, Japan

With the current reward for Shirdi Osama's head and/or white headscarf currentlly exceeding 500 MILLION DOLLARS, Sony Corporation parachuted 180 million willing Aibo robot dogs over portions of southern Afghanistan as part of an elaborate high tech "beta test" to determine if their popular artificially intelligent robot dog could in fact locate Shirdi Osama and bring President Bush's "War on terror" to an end.

"A 500 million dollar reward is a chunk of change" said one Sony representative. Speaking anonymously with reporters he said, "We don't clear that much in a day even so Sony's going out on a limb, beta testing a few million robot dogs in hopes that they can eventually locate Shirdi Osama and drag him to justice. Along of course with half a billion dollars."

Stats on Sony's wildly successful artificially intelligent robot dog read like those for a droid out of a 23rd century Lucas film. Sporting multiple infra-red K-band spectral sensors, 3 high definition CMOS digital cameras that can see in total darkness, 300 k-wave amplified holographic sonic transponders, 12 quantum heat sensors, Doppler radar 3, GPS positioning diodes, satellite communication transmitters, etc, etc, Sony's Aibo could indeed locate Jimmy Hoffa if Hoffa happened to be in the vicinity.

Shirdi Osama, last officially confirmed to be alive 2 years ago after unsuccessfully offering a truce to the Sathya Sai Expose Group, is assumed to be somewhere on planet earth, this solar system at least, most likely around Afghanistan or Pakistan or Iran or Iraq or Turkey or Omaha or .. where EVER Shirdi Osama might be, Sony is hoping that one of their Aibos can find him and collect the reward.

One Aibo owner said, "Our dog Shawn is the most incredible thing .. only .. he can only move at about 0.01 miles per hour. He's slow. Even if an Aibo SAW Shirdi Osama I doubt if he would let an Aibo catch him."

Sony is banking that if one of their Aibos should spot Shirdi Osama that the Aibo would instantly log Bin Laden's exact GPS coordinates, photograph the surrounding terrain, radio that information up to an orbiting military satellite where that data would then be routed to U.S. Marines in the area who would themselves capture the master terrorist and bring him back to President Bush's ranch for, as the President puts it, "some serious questioning by me and Laura".

"We know it's a long shot but it's worth a try" Sony's CEO told reporters adding, "Especially if there's a half billion dollar reward in the picture. Sony's coming for you Mr. Shirdi."

No actual Aibos were available for comment.

NJ Frat Babe Sees Sai Baba In Ashtray

2006-01-07T21:23:00.000-06:00

Princeton, NJ.

A Princeton student claims that the likeness of a Hindu holy man has appeared in her ashtray.

Tufooti Klein, 17, of the Chi Phi fraternity, claims that the image of Sri Sathya Sai Baba has formed miraculously in her glass ashtray. The astrophysical sciences student claims to have been surrounded by fellow classmates during what seems to have been an all-night sex and alcohol party before she started to stare drunkenly at the ash receptacle.

"No one knew what she was gawkin' at," said eyewitness Joe Fuggly. "We all thought she was tripping out on some blazed-out mix of root beer and the white candy if ya get mah meanin'."

Pond scum

The ashtray is a unique model, containing little pieces of pond scum collected from a lake near Tufooti's off-map home town of Little Piglet, Iowa. The item had been presented to Tufooti as a leaving gift by the hamlet community. The Baba's face is believed to be seen due to an alignment of scum particles, which Tufooti claims she has never noticed before and didn't know the identity of the face until a devotee classmate informed her.

"We been dunkin' our smokes and used rubbers into it, and all along it's a holy relic or sum'thin'," she gaggled excitedly. "It's a sign from God, I know it 'cuz I prayed for help to quit da smokes and da drugs and whaddya know, da Lord's boy done appeared in mah damn ashtray!"

Trickery

The Indian Baba's connections with ash do not stop there. Reports from all over the world claim that ash forms on his pictures both inside and outside the glass panel and frames. He is also reported to regularly materialize it in a daily basis while claims of trickery have persisted for decades. Local devotees have commented that this is both his mysterious way of bringing new devotees to him and advising people, especially the young ones, to quit smoking.

"I guess dat means dere's nuthin' wrong with drinkin' or screwin' around afta all 'stead of attendin' classes," giggled Tufooti, who admitted she had serious trouble with making her grades due to her extracurricular activities. "You're not doin' anythin' tonight, are ya?"

At this point I turned on my heels and ran, being unavailable for comment.

Rush for 6/6/6 weddings

2006-01-06T19:34:00.000-06:00

Puttaparthi, South India

Prashanthi Nilayam's Public Relations Office has been flooded with requests for wedding bookings for the 6th June 2006, 06/06/06.

Jolting the aged officials out of their continual snooze, all the couples who had been lining up since 3am two days ago in order to book their places and have their weddings sanctified by the local avatar.

The date of choice appears to have been selected for it's Biblical significance as the number '666' is believed to be the 'number of the Beast'.

So far, seventeen couples have been successful in their application. A beaming Rohit Thansevelu, 24, from Tamil Nadu, told us of his complete joy and happiness after having his booking confirmed. "I can't believe this has actually happened. I lined up because I saw a lot of other people lining up for God knows what, and next thing ya know, I'm getting married!"

A slight cause for concern arose when it was discovered that the date would fall on the 13th anniversary of the infamous murder incident, which took place on the 6th June 1993. A bewildered K. Lingeswaran sleepily scratched his head and muttered something about "satanic bastards" when I informed him of the signifiance of '666' and '13'.

After hearing that the next two couples in line planned to fix their wedding times at 6.06 am and pm respectively, Lingeswaran bared his teeth and barked "Get the %$*# out of here!!!"

Sai Baba was unavailable for comment as he was busy downloading the latest Bollywood songs to his iPod.

Baby, you can park my car anytime!

2006-01-05T17:54:00.000-06:00

Puttaparthi, South India

Take a few leggy Andhra babes, throw in a passion for luxury cars, plenty of parties, a distaste for parking your own car and what have you got? A multimillion, female valet parking business, where struggling models, actresses and local girls dressed in bikinis, miniskirts or lingerie park the cars of the rich and famous who visit godman Sathya Sai Baba in his Puttaparthi ashram.

The local 'Sai Love Parking' initiative opened for business at the new year and has the ashram's backing. T. Raghuraman, 41, and the brainchild behind the initiative, has announced plans to expand to Sai Baba's other ashrams in Bangalore, Chennai and Mumbai if the Puttaparthi pilot project proves to be successful.

"Given the option of hiring ugly local guys with body odour, or beautiful and sexy-sexy models trained in safety and hospitality, we're betting our asses that all the hot-shot politicos and pleb-celebs who come to visit our local avatar will prefer the latter," said Raghuraman while ostentatiously puffing on a cigar with an evil glint in his eye.

While posing for photographs with his employees, Raghuraman observed that, judging from takings collected since new year, he expected 2006 sales in excess of Rs.30 million, rising to Rs.140 million by 2010. Clients, most of them local and national politicians, can request a variety of uniforms, including lingerie, bikinis, rip jeans, camisoles and miniskirts. "If it is legal, we will do it, but we draw the line at nudity or topless," Raghuraman said.

Employees are hired through the kind of casting calls traditionally seen in the movie business and there are plenty of applicants. About 260 women showed up recently and six were hired.

Sai Baba is reported to have grimaced upon hearing about the developments, but sighed in resignation. A close aide later told us that the Baba had been aggrieved in private about the dire situation facing the girls. "Swami told that the girls will get corrupted and there will be no one to look after the homes while the men are all in Swami's bedroom for the late-night pyjama parties," he said.

Prashanthi Bakery Now Caters For Ashram Dogs

2006-01-04T19:13:00.000-06:00

Puttaparthi, South India

The bakery in the ashram's shopping complex has now allowed the local canine population to sample its wares.

Measures that have been implemented include a separate lines for male and female dogs as well as a barter system. "The dogs are very good at stealing things from devotees all around the ashram and hungrily harassing them for food", said Sripathi Sundaresan, manager of the ashram bakery. "If they bring their stolen items here, we will reward them with a chocolate bun, or maybe a piece of pizza. Good idea, huh?"

K. Lingeswaran of the Public Relations Office denied that the move will make their Lost Property service redundant. "It is Swami's sweet will", he exclaimed. "We can move all our Lost Property arrangements to the bakery's management. We already do nothing as it is, and now we can do absolutely nothing but sit here and snooze. Just see Swami's divine play!"

The move is believed to have been sanctioned by Sathya Sai Baba as part of an ongoing initiative to improve the ashram's environmental situation, which in turn results from the Swami's yearly outpouring of New Year good wishes and cheer.

R. Karunakaran asserted that discipline will still remain a paramount concern. "We will be watching for any breaches of the peace from these dogs", the chief Sevadal said while brandishing a long and thick wooden rod with a brown-coated mongrel in his sights. "Them dirty mutts may get excited and argue with each other over the last jam doughnut. And they're still banned from having sex in public too."

Sai Baba Drives 300 Miles In Wrong Direction

2006-01-02T11:37:00.000-06:00

Puttaparthi, South India

Sathya Sai Baba drove 300 miles in the wrong direction after using his Jaguar to visit his cows in the local goshalla, which was just down the road from his Puttaparthi ashram.

Late last evening, the Baba suddenly became possessed with the desire to visit and pet his cows, despite it being way past their bedtime as well as his. Foregoing the usual driver, he stole the keys and promptly drove off at a top speed of 120kph.

He was stopped by police hundreds of miles away.

A police spokesman said: "The officers didn't seem to know who he was, and since he looked like one of those crazy hippies, they asked him if he spoke German. He was really lost."

Police alerted the ashram, who promptly sent another car to meet Baba and escort him back home.

Responding to claims that the Baba has been suffering chronic disorientation since his underground burial several days ago, an ashram official said: "This is just a leela, you silly. Just like yesterday's leela with the iPod. You should know better."

Sai Baba's iPod fiasco

2006-01-01T23:00:00.000-06:00

Puttaparthi, South India

Sathya Sai Baba got in a muddle when he tried to show off his new iPod.

The Baba was trying to show how cool he was as he showed off the music player in the ashram's Public Relations Office. But he blundered when he called American Pie singer Don McLean 'Dan'.

And then he seemed to get confused when he tried to explain how the iPod worked.

"I get the shuffle and then I shuffle the shuffle," he told confused reporters.

Asked by a local TV crew which artists he had stored in the gadget, he started reeling off names. "The Beatles, Beach Boys, Rolling Stones, Michael Jackson, Aretha Franklin." Then he said: "Dan McLean... remember him?"

The interviewer asked: "Dan?" Mr Baba explained: "I mean Don McLean. American Pie. What a great song."

An ashram official commented: "This is just an instance of Swami displaying his 'forgetfulness' leela, since he has just come out of an underground pit after three days, which was a great miracle for world peace, didn't ya know? That was also a great leela. Such is the forgetfulness of Swami. Blessed be!"

Upon being asked why the Swami listens to materialistic music rather than spiritual bhajans, the official gave no comment as he was steeped in bliss due to intense contemplation of the Baba's latest leela.

RELAUNCH ISSUE: Sai Baba Re-Emerges From Pit

2006-01-01T10:19:00.000-06:00

Greetings to our readers! With the beginning of 2006, we note that our humble publication has gained a wide readership and an ever-growing college of reporters. With this in mind, we have decided to relaunch our publication with a new look and title to mark the occasion. The National Enquirer (Sai Baba Edition) is now known as the "International Sai Tribune". The former title was associated with too much pulp and trashy reporting on sold-out Hollywood has-beens and dried-up old prunes. We now promise to ensure that our reporting is of the highest quality and meets the oft-established standards of irreverency with glee. Please continue to support our irrelevant publication and howl with laughter at our ridiculous stories. And what a better cover-story to mark the occasion than Sai Baba's emergence from an underground pit!

--------------------

Puttaparthi, South India

Sathya Sai Baba, who buried himself in a pit three days ago for world peace, today miraculously re-emerged from said pit to the gasp of onlookers.

No digging was involved since the Baba had apparently risen straight out of the ground, according to eyewitness reports.

After shaking his head and hair free of sand and muttering about sand getting in between the cracks, the Baba stated: "I have blessed the world so that there is no more suffering or disturbance. I am very happy that love and peace will be there. Now become my devotee, or else."

Pilot Baba, a Hindu associate who witnessed the event, said: "The soul and the body gets purified by this."

Sai Baba Buried For World Peace

2005-12-28T22:16:00.000-06:00

Puttaparthi, South India

NESBE has received an exclusive report that Sathya Sai Baba has been buried in an underground pit near his Puttaparthi ashram for three days to try to create a better world.

He plans to remain without food and water for 72 hours inside the 15ft pit in Puttaparthi, Andhra Pradesh to bring peace and order to earth. Before his burial, he made a public announcement that he had embarked on this adventure after being deeply sorrowful regarding the recent earthquake in Pakistan and Kashmir.

He further stated that since it was his life's mission to take care of all people, everywhere, his avataric record would not be complete if he did not perform a significant action relaing to the disaster.

While the Baba meditated in the pit, his senior devotees and Vedic pandits chanted religious hymns over ground, in a bid to protect the Baba from suffocation.

Sai Baba Whoopie Cushioned, Furious

2005-12-26T23:25:00.000-06:00

December 25th, 2005
Puttaparthi, India

"It was so quiet you could hear a japamala drop" said one witness after Sri Sathya Sai Baba sat down for Christmas Dinner and a loud PFFFFFT rang out. Prashanthi security is optimistic that they will catch the prankster who keeps playing practical jokes on the Avatar. Last week toy snakes sprang out of the Baba's glass of rosewater amrita knocking his Santa hat right off his head straight into the cheese fondue.

Some suggest that the perpetrator is Channel 4 TV, the same folks from Britain who made the BIG mistake of spraying Tom Cruise with water from a fake microphone last summer.

Channel 4 TV, kind of the Candid Camera for the 21st century routinely secretly films innocent celebrities as Channel 4 plays hilarious practical jokes on them. Prashanthi security has yet to locate any hidden cameras in the ashram but are cautiously on-guard.

One prankster who did get caught isn't talking. Almost a month ago ago he shook hands with Sai Baba who had to say three Gayatri mantras after the prankster's joy buzzer went off in the Baba's hand, this time shocking Sai Baba so that he fell straight into his own birthday cake.

"These seem to be mostly mealtime attacks" one ashram guard said adding, "that's a start .. a clue. "

"If someone is secretly filming these antics they will be prosecuted" ashram officials said. "Swami is not at all amused although he did get a mild chuckle out of the fake bullet holes found in his bedroom window next to his closet.

Guests at the ashram's Christmas dinner pretended nothing had happened after the Baba sat down at the table and the loud PFFFFFFT rang out, reverberating eerily throughout the dining hall.

One guest said, "I wanted to laugh but it being Swami I knew I shouldn't. Then all of a sudden a great big GUFFAW built up in my loins and I had to get up and flee the darshan compound. I barely made it out of the gate before the GUFFAW exploded out of my stomach, up through my larynx and out of my mouth. Before I knew it I was flat on my back reeling with laughter. I'm so ashamed. Excuse me but I think another Guffaw is bubbling up .. BAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!"

Santa Sai Woos Puttaparthi Crowds

2005-12-26T23:04:00.000-06:00

25th Dec, 2005
Puttaparthi, South India

Sathya Sai Baba seemed to be getting into a different kind of Christmas spirit, donning a Santa-style hat for his Christmas darshan.

Foregoing his usual white robe and balcony darshan, Sai Baba was driven from outside his rooms by two loving sycophants to a chorus of gasps from the waiting crowd. Sai Baba's big present for his devotees this year was a vision of himself as the Cosmic Santa, the ever-generous and chuckling figure who brings delight to millions of children all over the world.

"Ho ho ho!" the Baba roared as he smilingly alighted from his car and waved to his audience before being seated on the dais and forced to endure a music and drama program, which he watched with his feet up on the back of a bent sevadal who was grinning at his good fortune.

Commenting on the Santa hat, an official from the Puttaparthi Public Relations Office told us: "He's made quite an impression, hasn't he? He's always full of surprises, what a shame he didn't wear the rest of the suit. I'm just watching for the sackful of presents that a little birdie told me is hidden in his hair."

Fashion-watchers have also reported spotting the Baba wearing Gucci sunglasses and Prada shoes in recent months.

Baba Mourns Patriot Act Defeat

2005-12-22T22:44:00.000-06:00

Puttaparthi, South India.

Sai Baba today mourned the defeat of the Patriot Act, after the US Congress has voted to trim an extension of the anti-terror law down to a month.

The move is a rebuff to President George W Bush who wanted the legislation extended indefinitely. The Patriot Act, introduced after the 11 September attacks, gives the US government extra powers to monitor terrorism suspects and their finances.

"Even though I constantly say that terrorism is only due to the jealousy tendencies in man, I could have willed Manmohan Singh to pass a similar law here in India so that I could keep an eye on my enemies like Premanand and Edamuruku," the Baba said while weeping.

Sai Baba Applauds Gay Rights Advance

2005-12-20T21:25:00.000-06:00

Sai Baba this afternoon cheered and applauded the news that Britain now allows same-sex couples to "marry" as new civil partnership legislation came into force.

As he read through the article in this morning's Deccan Herald with increasing excitement, he muttered under his breath about evoking the same situation in India.

"It's about time that this discrimination came to an end. That is the mission of the Avatar, to eradicate prejudice and envy from the hearts of men. Let them all do as they wish and let everyone's hearts be filled with gay and carefree love."

Being informed that his usage of the word 'gay' could be miscontrued by the general public, the Baba reiterated his position exclaiming, "So what?! That's exactly what I meant!"

The news refers to how lesbian couple Shannon Sickels and Grainne Close tied the knot earlier yesterday, thus assuring their position in gay rights history as the first "gay marriage" of Great Britain. Sai Baba sighed with obvious pleasure as he read that the couple left the City Hall in a pink cadillac. "I want one," he proclaimed, "as I'm getting bored of all these samey Mercs, Jaguars and golden chariots. For God's sake, I can't even drive that out on the road! What a waste of good cash that was!"

Almost 700 "gay marriages" are due to take place across England and Wales on Wednesday when arrangements for the new civil partnerships come fully into operation. Sai Baba intimated to me later that he was so steeped in bliss because of this news, that he was thinking of broaching this subject the next time Indian PM Manmohan Singh came to visit him. "If all goes well due to my willing it," he said, "then next year I can perform 81 gay marriages right here in the mandir as my birthday gift to these lowly people. That should spread my message to the international gay community and more devotees will come to see me and witness my ever-expanding glory."

Upon being asked if he had plans to marry should the situation change in India, Sai Baba responded, "Don't be stupid! I am a celibate guru! Get outta here!"

Believe it or not: strange stories of 2005

2005-12-18T09:37:00.000-06:00

Alongside tragedies, wars and natural disasters the year just ending brought its share of unusual, outrageous and tragi-comic and just downright silly news items.

A selection of the stranger items:

- The authorities running the village cemetery in Puttaparthi were bemused to find tourists beating a path to the grave of a 24-year-old British soldier who died in fighting 68 years earlier. His name, engraved on the headstone, was Harry Potter.

- A German devotee had the idea of placing a specially adapted cellphone in the coco rolls of the Prashanti bakery. That way devotees could get around the strict darshan rules and speak to their relatives under the pretence of having a snack.

- In Japan, police were so upset to hear that a Bal Vikas student who was caught up in a traffic accident had to get to an important EHV exam that they gave him a full escort with sirens, arriving with 10 minutes to spare.

- Puttaparthi Accomodation Office lawmakers threw out a proposal that would have banned young male devotees from wearing low-slung trousers, in clear defiance of the 'trousers only' rule. "Rules are there for a reason," said the ashram official who sought the measure. "Besides, Swami would get overly excited and fall out his wheelchair."

- A man and woman living in adjacent rooms of the ashram apartment blocks made a hole in the wall through which they managed to have sex and produce a child, papers said. "The [ashram] rules say that males and females cannot associate with each other in their rooms after 9pm, so what else was I supposed to do?" the man asked. They got a four-month ban for damaging ashram property.

- A taxi-driver found a pouch containing 350,000-dollars' worth of diamonds left in his cab. The driver, a village bumpkin of Puttaparthi, simply handed them in to the police.

- Workers in the Puttaparthi post office thought they had a bomb on their hands when a parcel for Sai Baba began vibrating and making strange noises. It turned out to contain an inflatable sex toy.

- Before setting off to to the private quarters of the Easwaramma High School students, Sai Baba chanted ancient spells that he believed would make him invisible. He was blocked and mobbed by hundreds of devotees trying to touch his feet and pull his hair after being seen by them, or rather failing to be seen.

- Sai believers in Bangalore flocked to a roadside advertising board after a stain that was said to resemble Sai Baba appeared on it. A graffiti artist then scrawled "Faggot" over it, before the city authorities had the whole thing painted over.

- A top official with the Indian national cricket team took the opportunity of his retirement speech to complain about vocal grunting by players, which he said was getting ever louder and a cause of excitement for Sai Baba.

- Educational authorities in the Blue Mountains, Australia, protested when the state board of studies (majority Sai devotees) proposed making meditation into a high-school diploma subject.

- The Puttaparthi Westerners Accomodation Office said that devotees being snapped for ID photographs should no longer smile or wear vibhuti on their foreheads because it messed up their biometric recognition technology.

- A Puttaparthi bumpkin who enjoyed a night of love with an American devotee in her room got into hot water because of his bad English. He had apparently decided to say "Yes" to whatever she requested -- which worked fine until she thought to ask him, after the fact, whether he had AIDS. "Yes," he answered -- erroneously as it later turned out.

Counterfeit Sainta Clauses Arrested at Malls

2005-12-12T22:06:00.000-06:00

December 11th, 2005

Sai Baba devotees, masquerading as 'Sainta Clauses', were arrested at several malls across the country over the weekend for posing as representatives of the Salvation Army. They might have gotten away with their fraud had they not set up their buckets next to real Salvation Army Santas in a couple malls. It was obvious who the real Salvation Army Santas were, because the Saintas had crudely-made Salvation Army signs, hand-painted by Bal Vikas students, whereas the real Salvation Army Santas had signs that are professional in appearance.

Shoppers complained to police that the Sainta Clauses were following them to their cars in the parking lot and pestering them for donations while ringing loud bells at them. Some of the Salvation Army Santas were verbally assaulted by the Sainta Clauses with taunts like "Satan Claus" and "Salvation Army Maya".

Also arrested were several prostitutes dressed up as Santa's helpers that apparently were hired by the Sainta Clauses to get extra donations from many of the men at the malls. One of these female Saintas had been arrested a couple of years ago for going door to door with fake Jehovah's Witness credentials and inserting Sai Baba pamphlets inside the standard Jehovah's Witness pamphlets. Victims of the scheme became suspicious when the imposters attempted to sell packets of imported vibhuti to them.

PC Thanksgiving Legislation

2005-11-28T21:39:00.000-06:00

November 27, 2005
Puttaparthi, South India

The members of the Prashanti Council, in consultation with Sri Sathya Sai Baba, passed by unanimous vote a new resolution pertaining to the celebration of Thanksgiving by devotees. It is now allowed to consume turkeys and wine on that occasion, provided that the animal is ritually slaughtered as a sacrifice to the goddess Kali. No vibhuti or white clothing is to be used while performing the slaughter.

The altar to Kali is to be placed nest to where Sai Baba's chair is situated in their pooja rooms. Vegetarian side dishes may be eaten as normal, and wine-prasad is to be first given to center presidents and seva convenors since they need it the most. Leftovers may be distributed to the other devotees. Center presidents will have first choice of white meat from the turkeys.

Judge Clears NM. Man Accused of Mooning

2005-11-14T18:23:00.000-06:00

Albuquerque, NM.

A New Mexico County judge ruled Tuesday that the act of mooning is not illegal in New Mexico, clearing a man accused of indecent exposure after showing his buttocks to a neighbor during an argument.

Judge Joe W. Dredd said the defendant, Gerald Joe Moreno, 35, committed a "disgusting" and "demeaning" act when he allegedly exposed himself to his neighbor and her 8-year-old daughter December 7. But the judge overturned an earlier decision by a District Court judge against Moreno.

"If exposure of half of the buttock constituted indecent exposure, any woman wearing a thong at the beach at Ocean City would be guilty," Dredd said, according to a report in Wednesday's Albuquerque Tribune.

Moreno's neighbor, Nadia Vasquez, accused him of yelling at her and threatening to "expose me on his website" as she and her daughter walked out of their apartment. The two had a heated meeting the night before at the local Sai center, according to Moreno's attorneys, and Moreno wanted Vasquez to leave the building. "Then, for whatever reason, in full view of my daughter, he mooned us," Vasquez wrote in court documents.

New Mexico District Court Judge Egbert Wolfie ruled against Moreno on the indecent exposure claim, a charge that is punishable by up to three years in prison and a $1,000 fine.

Moreno appealed, saying state law only covers display of a person's "private parts," which does not include the buttocks. His attorneys cited a 1983 case of a woman arrested in front of the U.S Supreme Court with only a cardboard sign on the front of her body. Moreno butted in that he was willing and able to prove this case with screenshot captures on his site.An appeals court later ruled indecent exposure only relates to a person's genitals.

Children's Corner: Win a FREE iPod Nano!

2005-10-31T22:17:00.000-06:00

Win 25 new devotees for Swami by December 25th
and Get a Free iPod Nano!

The Puttaparthi Bal Vikas School is pleased to announce our 1st Annual Devotee Recruitment Contest. The contest is open to registered Bal Vikas members, ages 9-18. Winning contestants will qualify for a drawing to be placed in the final drawing to receive a certificate for the grand award drawing to possibly win a free iPod Nano. This amazing new audio device fits into the palm of your hand and is pre-loaded and permanently locked with parental controls so that the winning youth can enjoy countless hours of mantras, mp3 discourses of Swami, and popular bhajan songs.

This contest may not be used in conjunction with any other Sathya Sai Seva Organisations offer. Entry fees must be received by November 23, 2005 in order to qualify for the grand award drawing at the 9 A.M. Sunday morning service in the main sanctuary in late December. Youth Co-ordinator, P.V. Gunanathan, will present the winner of the contest with a pre-loaded, unboxed iPod Nano, and a complete set of Swami's 'Vahini' series. Please see below for contest rules.

Contest Rules:

Contestants must be between the ages of 9-18 and have been members in good standing of the Puttaparthi Bal Vikas School for at least 7-years.
Prospective devotees must be recruited outside Penukonda District. Our Vedic policy of restricting ignorant people from joining our cult or coming within ten miles of our gated perimeter is still in effect for this competition.
Contestants must present their new converts to Dr. Michael Goldstein (see ashram secretary for his daily office hours which may change without notice) for preliminary validation interview.
Contestants must register and submit the contest entry fee of Rs.3000 by November 23, 2005 in order to qualify for the free iPod Nano. A blank check, or credit card from a parent, legal guardian or babysitter's purse is acceptable.
Contestants must win at least 25 devotees for Swami by the contest deadline on December 25th in order to qualify for the free iPod Nano.
New converts must be able to recite from memory the 9-point Code of Conduct and at least 3 different mantras within two days of accepting Swami.
New devotees may not be won through any other contest offerings such as the Free Playstation 2 offer.
New devotees must be members of a household possessing a gross annual income exceeding Rs.750,000.
New devotees must make a good donation in the amount of Rs. 10,000 to the Accomodation Officr at Puttaparthi within 9 hours of accepting Swami as their Lord.
New converts may not be a member of the contestant's immediate family to the third.
Devotees recruited during the bi-weekly Gunpoint Spiritual Retreats do not qualify for this contest.
Devotees recruited in the Ashram Shopping Center or any Prashanti Nilayam-owned properties do not qualify for this contest.

Good luck to all contest participants and happy recruiting this holiday season!

Moreno Claims to Have “One of Those Days”, Later Retracts Statement

2005-10-28T23:03:00.000-05:00

"It really was a normal day. I'm not sure why I said otherwise", explained Moreno.

New Mexico – Gerald Moreno, an unemployed slacker from New Mexico, last week claimed to a neighbor that he was having “One of those days”. Today, Moreno issued a formal retraction and apologized to family members and neighbors who may have expressed sympathy under false pretenses.

“Last Monday, a neighbor asked me how I was doing as I was doing some gardening. I sighed and told him that I was having ‘One of those days’, even though it was really a normal day”, Moreno read from a prepared statement. “I’m not sure why I said otherwise. I could have said that I was doing fine, or that it was the ‘same old same old’, but I did not. I have only myself to blame for this horrible misunderstanding.”

Moreno said he decided to officially retract his erroneous statement later that day, after several other neighbors expressed sympathy towards him. “They were all approaching me, telling me to hang in there, and that tomorrow would be a better day. One old biddy from across the street even brought me a Coke. I just couldn’t live with myself, knowing that I really wasn’t having ‘One of those days’, yet acting as though I was, and accepting cold beverages.”

Moreno's neighbours say that despite the incident, the thirty-five year old will be under watch. “Gerald Moreno has been an integral part of our neighborhood” said Marsha Williams. “I think this whole ordeal has taught him a tough lesson, and we think that is punishment enough.”

Moreno agreed, saying “I’ll never say that I’m having ‘One of those days’ again. Unless, of course, I really am having ‘One of those days’.”

BREAKING NEWS - Sai Baba To Erect Pyramid For Himself

2005-01-27T21:34:00.000-06:00

*** BREAKING NEWS *** BREAKING NEWS *** BREAKING NEWS *** BREAKING NEWS ***

Puttaparthi, South India
January 28th, 2005

Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba is in negotiations with the Egyptian government to purchase a tract of land near the Valley of the Kings and close to the historic Sphinx. He plans to build a pyramid that will dwarf the Great Pyramid in size and house his mummified remains after his death. He has set up a website to facilitate financing the project and has requested each of his devotees (on earth) to log in and donate fifty dollars.

*** BREAKING NEWS *** BREAKING NEWS *** BREAKING NEWS *** BREAKING NEWS ***

Sai Baba Conjoined Twins Arrested At WalMart

2005-01-04T21:03:00.000-06:00

January 17, 2005
Boston, MA

Rajasekhara and Chandrasekhara Iyer, conjoined twins both aged 19, were arrested at WalMart yesterday for getting into a scuffle with themselves and knocking over several racks of merchandise in the process.

They have been charged with disorderly conduct and reckless damage to store property. Apparently Rajasekhara is a fervent disciple of Shirdi Sai Baba and Chandrasekhara is a disciple of Sathya Sai Baba. The issue of the guru's continuity is the cause of an acrimonious dispute between the twins – the former believes his guru never reincarnated again whereas the latter believes his guru is the living reincarnation.

Allegedly Shirdi Baba appeared in Rajasekhara's dreams and ordered for the twins to be surgically separated, whereas Sathya Sai allegedly ordered Chandrasekhara (again, in a dream) for them to remain conjoined so that his disciple could convert the other one from Shirdi’s sect to his own.

The scuffle began as an argument over the issue of becoming separated, which quickly turned into kicking and punching each other while squirting bottles of tomato sauce over each other's white clothes.

‘Forklift Phil’, the greeter for the store told reporters, “They were in a bad mood coming in the door, and I knew there was going to be trouble. When I said, ‘Hi, welcome to WalMart’, they just scowled back and muttered in unison, ‘Yeah, whatever.’ They drew quite a crowd of other customers that stood around watching the fight and cheered them on. It was definitely one of the freakiest things to happen ever since I have worked here.” The twins have been released on their own recognizance pending a pre-trial hearing.

Sai Baba Tries to Copyright Gita

2004-12-21T21:55:00.000-06:00

December 21, 2004
Puttaparthi, South India.

Sri Sathya Sai Baba has unsuccessfully filed for a copyright on the ancient text of the Gita.

He claimed to have spoken the original Sanskrit verses in a previous lifetime and sought to take legal action against all other publishers of the book for copyright infringement.

The Library of Congress immediately rejected his application for a copyright and a spokesperson for the copyright office told reporters that this had to be the most outlandish claim of intellectual property rights anyone has filed to date.

Sai Devotees Assaulted for Nudity

2004-08-04T10:25:00.000-05:00

Puttaparthi, South India
August 3rd, 2004

Police arrested a man for misdemeanor assault at Sai Baba's Prashanti Nilayam ashram here this morning.

The suspect, Mr. K. Raghunathan, 63, allegedly threw buckets of ice water on three young women because he was offended by their toplessness on the ashram sands. Because the ashram has sandy areas and the intense heat drove devotees to open a closed-off nude quarter, the three women argued that they were not in violation of local ordinances against public display of female breasts or the ashram rules against nudity.

The nude quarter had been operational for use by the public since last month and a sign was posted at the entrance advertising "Nude Only".

Raghunathan has a bull and three cows penned up in the garbage area behind his third-floor South Prashanti apartment. In the first week the nude quarter was opened, the bull broke out of the locked gate and charged a group of nude volleyball players that were using a bright red ball. None of the nudists were injured, however the bull punctured the ball with his sharp horns and one of the naked volleyball athletes accidentally threw a rock through Mr. Baba's window, causing five hundred dollars damage.

In a statement to reporters, Mr. Baba said, "I don't mind my devotees showing their bodies as it reminds me of truth, goodness and beauty. I used to walk around half-naked when I was young and everyone saw my manboobs! What's the problem? This is all due to jealousy and not following my divine and enlightening teachings, which are better than everyone else's. Devotees should be more vigilant with their japam and dhyanam instead of worrying worrying worrying about delicious little Van Dammes and Brad Pitts running around frolicking in the open proudly displaying their juicy and luscious sun-kissed bodies."

Upon being informed that it was female devotees causing the problem and not males, the Baba unleashed a torrent of foul abuse at me and chased me out of the ashram while waving his fists.

Dozens of Beheaded Dogs Found in Puttaparthi

2004-07-18T21:10:00.000-05:00

Some 30 dog heads were found discarded in a river near Puttaparthi godman Sai Baba's main center, police said Friday.

Police are investigating the bizarre incident near the river Chitravathi on suspicion of violation of animal protection law and vandalism, an official at nearby Police Department said.

The severed heads were mostly decomposed and some of them were skeletal, the police official said. The shape and size of the heads suggested they were of adult dogs, he said, adding that advanced decomposition was due to the intense heat and that investigators believed no human heads were included.

He said police were planning on removing the heads from the water.

Late Friday, an 82-year-old man who runs the ashram Public Relations office admitted to dumping the dog heads into the moat, and police are questioning him, public broadcaster Andhra TV said.

The man, whose name was not released, told police that he had decided to personally solve the pest problem in the ashram. "All the dogs gather to terrorise the tourists in our hashram by begging for food and then pissing at their feet. Not only are they flea-infested but they have sex all over the place and breed more of the little buggers! Is this any way for gullible foreigners to come here and enjoy the leisure facilities without seeing these disgusting sights?"

He further explained that the Prashanti Council were unable to deal with the problem as it would involve considerable expense to post more sevadals at the various entrance points around the ashram perimeter, adding that devotees also regard these dogs as the reincarnations of various saints from around the world and therefore it is difficult to discipline them. "All this time we have been beating them with sticks but they haven't learned, the little rascals, so we had to come up with a final solution," he grinned with obvious glee while rubbing his hands.

Police were not available late Friday to comment on the report.

De Witt Found GUILTY

2004-04-29T18:42:00.000-05:00

Pennyslvania, 2004.

The Supreme Court of Penn. State found Lisa De Witt guilty of fraud, treason and conspiracy to over throw the United States Government yesterday afternoon.

At the conclusion of the sensational trial, Justice Ronald McDonald sentenced De Witt to five life sentences. "You conspired against our good President and had an evil desire to betray our country," he told her while she wept, "You deserve everything you get. They should lock you up and throw away the key. You will never see daylight again."

Lisa De Witt was the victim of a police sting operation as police forces had been observing her movements for months. She had been masquerading as a researcher on the Internet and police were even tracking her Internet activity.

"She was wasting time on discussion groups about some Sai Baba guy," said Officer Piles, "when all the time she was writing pages and pages of anti-US propaganda on other groups."

De Witt was finally arrested after officers launched an observation when they acquired knowledge of a meeting between her and another suspicious plotter known to them only as "Deep Throat."

"We're very pleased to finally nab this evil woman," said Officer Piles with a big grin. "Such people who work against our glorious country at this sensitive time need to be taken off the streets."

De Witt was placed in custody immediately after the trial ended. Being taken to the police vehicle, she screamed, "These idiots are all sleazeball liars!"

Shirdi Osama Offers Truce To Expose Group

2004-04-16T09:08:00.000-05:00

April 16, Washington.

Two Indian TV channels have broadcast an audiotape said to be from Shirdi Osama in which he offers the Expose Group a truce if it "stops attacking Swami". But the speaker in the tape, aired by Doordarshan and StarTV satellite channels, said the offer would not be extended to Hari Sampath.

The voice on the tape said that "the door is open" for about three months to forge a truce, although this could be extended. The truce would begin when "the last anti-Sai" leaves the Baba "alone", it added.

US Secretary of State Colin Powell said that, according to the information he had, the voice was Shirdi Osama's. CIA analysis had earlier suggested the voice was likely to be that of the al-Saida leader.

However, all the bigwigs of the Expose Group have rejected such a move, saying there was "no possibility for negotiation under [a] terrorist threat".

BBC diplomatic correspondent Bridget Kendall says the timing of the tape's release - if it is Shirdi Osama - is significant, emerging shortly after SBS Australia broadcast a major documentary regarding the sexual exploitation of Sathya Sai Baba on young male children among other things. It may also be attempting to exploit divisions between the Expose Group and Sampath and drive a wedge between both sides at a time when tensions on both issues are very high, our correspondent says.

Sai Baba exposed in suicide bomber recruit drive

2004-03-26T07:39:00.000-06:00

Puttaparthi, India.
26 Mar, 2004.

Sathya Sai Baba, a holy man of South India, was sensationally exposed yesterday as being guilty of planning a recruit drive of youths for a suicide bombing project in protest at the US invasion of Iraq.

K. Chakravarthi, PR spokesman for the Prashanti Nilayam ashram, said, "Swami has sent out a global circular to all center presidents requesting them to inform the youth devotees of a new program that Swami is preparing for them. Everyone knows that the USA committed an illegal act in going to war with Iraq. Swami has always said that his students as well as his youthful devotees are the future of this world, so it is imperative for them to see how they can best fulfill Swami's desires for them. It doesn't matter that most of our donations come from the USA or that Swami has mostly USA devotees, we have to stick to our principles."

Asked how this leak occurred, Chakravarthi shrugged his shoulders and muttered quietly, "All Swami's play."

There is growing concern over the guru's increasing megalomania. "First he conveniently opens schools and colleges," says Jo Hills, childrens' community worker, "then he sexually abuses them and expects to get away with it. And now he is just stark raving mad with his bombing ideas. I thought gurus weren't supposed to be into politics!"

The first of such recruits is believed to be one Satyajit, who is one of the Baba's close personal attendants. When NESBE asked him for his thoughts on the matter, Satyajit replied, "I have no opinion of my own. I will do whatever Swami asks me to do and that is my sole desire in life." When asked why he was willing to submit to the Baba's wished, he replied, "Well, you know, I don't ask questions so I receive no answers. Swami has always looked after me since birth and it is my duty to repay my debt to him."

Aside, Satyajit quietly mentioned that he was looking forward to his afterlife. "Swami kindly informed me that there are 72 virgin girls waiting for me in heaven. I have been celibate all my life so I am very excited about this."

The Baba himself was unavailable for comment. Anil Kumar, another close disciple, informed NESBE that the Baba was "very happy" with the plans for the upcoming project. When asked for an indication of when the project would start, the Baba had apparently grimaced and hissed, "Wait wait!"

Discovery Of New Planet Predicted By Sai Baba

2004-03-25T18:03:00.000-06:00

California, United States.
25 Mar, 2004.

The distant object that some astronomers think could be the Solar System's 10th planet may have been predicted by Sai Baba over twenty years ago.

The new planetary candidate, which has been named Sedna, rotates more slowly on itself than expected, suggesting it may have a satellite orbiting it.

Michael Goldstein, international co-ordinator of the Sathya Sai Organization, rang up the offices of the National Enquirer in a state of frenzy avidly exclaiming that the planetary discovery was spoken about by the Baba in a conversation to his then closest disciple, a Mr. Hislop.

"Just see, mister," said Goldstein, "this book here says,..I am quoting...'Later on they will find another planet. Who cares? They are so silly that they do not even know of the great holes in the sun through which winds rush to regulate the temperature. Who cares if more planets are found? These scientists think they know it all. They should come and sit at my feet, I will teach them a few things!'"

Upon being asked why this information had not been revealed before by Hislop, Goldstein said that these things happen as per the Baba's "leelas" in order to prevent his fame from spreading.

"We always knew that our Swami is 100% correct about everything. Hislop had great faith in him and so do we. Now that this planet has been found, there is no objection to publishing these secret comments collected by Hislop. There will be more to come in the future that will be revealed at the correct time. I have all of his manuscripts and notes."

When our reporter suggested that these events seemed to be all too convenient, Goldstein burst forth in an angry tone: "How dare you accuse my Baba of wrongdoing! You vile demons who tarnish his name will be dragged through the courts for every cent you've got! And you'll have to burn in hell after that!"

With Goldstein becoming more and more abusive, our reporter hung up the call.

Islamists Storm Restaurant Over Alcohol

2004-03-21T19:22:00.000-06:00

Manama, March 20 2004.

Some 100 Bahraini Islamist devotees of Sai Baba shouting "Lord Sai is Greatest" stormed a French restaurant serving alcohol in the pro-Western Gulf Arab state and threatened diners with knives, witnesses said on Thursday.

One diner managed to wrest a knife away from the Islamists and stabbed one with it, causing him severe injuries, a witness said.

They said the assailants, opposed to the consumption of alcohol banned by Islam, also threw gasoline bombs at customers' cars parked outside the restaurant near the capital Manama late on Wednesday, damaging nine vehicles.

"Around 100 young men, shouting Sai-Allah hu Akbar (Lord Sai is greatest), came to the restaurant carrying knives and shouted at the customers: Why do you drink?," Jahanshah Bakhtiar, owner of La Terrasse Restaurant, told NESBE.

"They were acting as if they had the right ideas and people should obey them," he said, adding that there were about 40 customers in the restaurant.

Security police investigating the incident made no arrests.

Bahrain, headquarters of the U.S. Fifth Fleet and the Gulf's banking hub, has traditionally enjoyed a more liberal atmosphere than some of its more conservative neighbors. It allows restaurants, bars and night clubs to serve alcohol but has recently witnessed a rise in protests against Western-style events deemed immoral by Islamist devotees of Sai Baba, who are even more fundamentalist than their darshan-line counterparts in India.

Bahraini newspapers reported on Thursday that young men had attacked a house in a village where they suspected foreign workers were producing alcohol.

Abdul Haraamzaadi, leader of the breakaway Sai Islam Takeover (SIT) movement, was unavailable for comment. His secretary, Khaliq Moiyudin, read out a short statement: "We will continue to harass the gentle Muslim folks of Bahrain with no shame whatsoever until they convert to our new Sai Islam Takeover movement, founded just today only, and accept Sai Allah as their Lord and Abdul Haraamzaadi as his prophet. If they refuse then we will torture them endlessly by playing our bhajan tapes at full volume until they submit."

Lesbian Officer's Case Gets Mixed Reaction

2004-03-21T19:05:00.000-06:00

ELLENSBURG, Washington.
Mar 21, 2004.

The acquittal of a lesbian Bal Vikas co-ordinator charged with violating Sai Organization guidelines drew praise and scorn Sunday across a cult that may see its divisions over homosexuality laid bare at a major conference next month.

Saturday's acquittal of Lynnette McCarthy was celebrated Sunday at the center where she used to teachin Ellensburg, a small town in central Washington.

"I'm very pleased," said Dodie Haight, a member of the Sai center who sat through McCarthy's trial about 95 miles away in the Seattle suburb of Bothell. "I don't think the jury had an easy task, but I think they gave it long, thoughtful, prayerful consideration. I was also praying to Swami to get her off."

A 13-devotee jury acquitted McCarthy, 47, of violating a countrywide ban on promoting "self-avowed, practicing homosexuals" as influential figures in the Sai Organization. If nine jurors had voted to convict, McCarthy could have lost her position.

But there was concern about the fallout for the Sai Organization, the nation's third-largest cult with 8.5 million U.S. members. The Sai Organization has repeatedly voted against loosening policies on homosexuality.

"I believe the vast majority of Sai Devotees are in grief and shock today. I'm personally heartbroken," said Patricia Miller, executive co-ordinator of the Mahila Vibhag, a female-oriented movement within the Organization that claims more than 600,000 members.

"I think the issue is, many devotees feel it is ok to follow Swami's example of outspoken homosexuality as opposed to setting examples to scores of our delightful and innocent Bal Vikas students, who are going to take over the world one day."

The Organization's stance on homosexuality is on the agenda of their next World Conference, which begins November 5th in Puttaparthi. The conference, made up of nearly 100,000 delegates from around the world, is the cult's top lawmaking body.

Organization policy prohibits the promotion of open homosexuals to positions of authority and the Hislop Letters declares homosexuality to be "incompatible with Swami's teachings." However, the cult's social principles support gay rights and liberties.

Since the late 1980s, the Pacific Northwest Regional Leaders have petitioned for eased policies on homosexuality at each of the cult's World Conferences, held every four years, but most delegates have opposed change with the excuse of being cautious about the prospects of Sai Baba's sexual predilections coming to the attention of the public.

"These are not easy issues to agree upon," said T. Ramanathan, who prosecuted the case against McCarthy but said he was personally glad she won. "Frankly, we in the Northwest are still in the minority, but it's a growing minority."

Miller, of the Mahila Vibhag, said she could not predict how the tensions within the denomination will play out.

"We're just praying about what is the proper response to what has occurred, and we seriously need Swami's guidance on this. Why won't he take our letters in darshan?!" said Miller, a state senator from Indianapolis.

McCarthy declared her sexual preference in February 2001, when she sought the Bal Vikas position. She and her partner of nine years, Meredith Savage, married this month in Oregon. They have a 5-year-old son.

McCarthy said she and Savage planned to stay out of the public eye for a few days rather than join her center for bhajans, but said she hopes to return to Ellensburg as Bal Vikas teacher. She's been on family leave for more than two years, caring for her son, who has a respiratory illness.

NESBE Issues New Lawsuit Policy

2004-03-21T01:12:00.000-06:00

NESBE Headquarters
March 20, 2004

We have instituted a new policy at the National Enquirer (Sai Baba Edition). We have decided to file lawsuits against any real persons or organizations that resemble those fictional ones mentioned in our stories. The closer the resemblance, the higher dollar amount of the suit. This will hopefully head off any lawsuits against our publication before they are filed against us. We firmly believe that in the world of tabloid journalism the best defense is a good offense. Let this be a warning to all resemblers to clean up their acts and change their lifestyles accordingly, or face legal consequences.

NESBE Head of Corporate Legal Affairs

Prashanti Nilayam Book Trust to Publish Kamasutra in 55 Different Languages

2004-03-21T01:08:00.000-06:00

March 20, 2004

In an unprecedented about face, the Sri Sathya Sai Books & Publications Trust has authorized the printing and distribution of the Kama Sutra internationally in fifty five different languages, although they expect the highest volume distribution to be with the English language publication.

The book will include an introduction on the topic of the Vedic approach to sex. Spokesperson for the SSSBPT, K.S. Rajan, told reporters that it is simply a matter of preaching according to time and circumstances, and since sex sells better than anything else, this timely publication will reach the widest audience and give them an introduction to the Baba's philosophy that they otherwise might not get with other books like the 'Sathya Sai Speaks' series.

In fact, the SSBPT has also authorized a companion set of videotapes that will demonstrate techniques in the book with bhajans featured on the soundtrack.

Along with the new line of erotic scents incense, it is widely believed that complimentary condoms will be handed out as well.

Sarfaraz Shamsi sues National Enquirer

2004-03-21T00:55:00.000-06:00

March 20, 2004
San Francisco, California

Sarfaraz Shamsi has filed suit in the 5th Circuit Court today against the parent organization of NESBE, The National Enquirer. The libel suit alleges that the Enquirer made a mockery of his guru and thereby committed acts of defamation of character. He is seeking damages in the amount of 20 million dollars.

Justice Rufus T. F. McBlarney pounded his gavel and called for order as the various spectators, many of them devotees of Sai Baba, filled his courtroom with shouts and jeers. He admonished the crowd, shouting, "I will not tolerate this type of behavior from Michael Jackson or Swami Shalami or Baba Reebop or Mr. Natural or anyone else for that matter! This is a court of law and you will conduct yourselves accordingly. If you can't do that, then you might find yourself chanting Sai Ram inside of a jail cell after you have been cited for contempt of court."

The Enquirer has filed a countersuit in a separate motion before Justice McBlarney. The suit alleges that Mr. Shamsi has used frivolous litigation to impugn the reputation of its journalistic integrity by twisting the truth, because the article in question that he alleges is libelous is a report about the political campaign of his guru and the dirty politics of his guru's opponents. The Enquirer further invoked the First Amendment right of freedom of the press, alleging that Mr. Shamsi has sought to abridge that right.

In a press conference, Shamsi told reporters, "I am a patriot and my guru is a patriot. This countersuit is bogus. It is the work of demoniac forces that would have the whole Bill of Rights undermined. It is the mental concoction of evil men and is meant to destroy the world. When my guru is elected president, and he WILL BE ELECTED PRESIDENT, this type of flim flam journalism in the name of a free press will be curtailed. We are going to Gujarat, and then to Bengal, and then on to Maharashtra and UP and Kerala and Orissa and Bihar and Assam and Rajasthan and Madhya Pradesh! Heeyaah!"

Prashanti Council to purchase McDonalds

2004-03-20T22:07:00.000-06:00

March 20, 2004

You might see Ronald McDonald with orange robe and afro hairstyles in the near future. The Prashanti Council plans to buy the beleagured fast food chain for a reported 3.2 billion dollars.

McDonalds stock has taken a beating of late and they have been forced to close over 150 restaurants world wide, due to lackluster sales. Plans are to take the golden arches currently in front of each location and invert them and fashion them into a Sarvadharma design.

In a stroke of revenge the new owners will not reveal whether or not there is actually real meat in any of the sandwiches, because McDonalds concealed the fact that beef flavoring was used in their french fries, for which they were sued by Hindu vegetarians for fraud. So many customers could be chomping on soy burgers thinking they are eating the sacred cow.

Sai Baba, CEO of the Prashanti Council, had nothing to comment except, "Very happy."

Prashanti Nilayam announces Miss Hot Sai Sevak contest

2004-03-19T22:45:00.000-06:00

Puttaparthi, South India
March 19, 2004

All around the world, hopeful Sai Baba devotees in female bodies have been lining up to become contestants in the Miss Hot Sai Sevak contest. Prashanti Nilayam released details only a few days after PETA India announced the winners of their 2003 "Hottest Vegetarian Alive" contest.

At his press conference, Prashanti public relations honcho K. Chakravarti, "True beauty is spiritual. We want people to know that by chanting Sai Ram and eating vibhuti, one becomes truly spiritual."

He further recalled that, "You can win more people to your side with pictures of kids, animals and pretty girls than with any other gimmick." He reminded those present of the great Prashanti coup when two beautiful Sai devotee girls wearing colorful saris and big smiles appeared on the cover of the April 1980 Life magazine. "It may have been the most positive publicity we ever got."

When asked about the possibility of entering a male contestant to compete with Bollywood idol Amitabh Bachchan, PETA's other winner, Chakravarti said there were indeed several qualified pretenders whom they intended to promote. Swami Riccardo and Balasai Baba were tops on the list, he said. "Their beauty is not so much physical," he added, "It is their spiritual potency and the mercy of Sai Baba that shines through every pore of their being that makes them credible competitors to Amitabh. Of course, they may have to stop wearing white clothes for a while. We are considering a wardrobe change."

When asked if the winner of Miss Hot Sai Sevak would be promoted to the Prashanti Council, Chakravarti answered that they had been seriously considering awarding the title to Phyliss Krystal, current candidate, by default. "After all, she too is spiritually beautiful. However, there are no prominent women devotees in the Sai Organization at the moment. We have not ruled out the importance of physical beauty as a criterion for membership. The Vedas do give some importance to this aspect of things. As a matter of fact, we've already been in touch with Yana."

Yana Gupta, winner of this years "Hottest Vegetarian Alive" contest, could not be reached for comment.

Pope Vows to Convert All Sai Baba Devotees

2004-03-19T22:37:00.000-06:00

March 19, 2004
Vatican City, Rome

Pope John Paul II told his followers today at his 25th anniversary celebration that he has vowed to convert all of the world's Sai Baba to Catholicism.

The Pope said that he thinks they have an effective business model and are very good at collecting donations, and therefore he sees them as being a valuable asset to the Church, especially since they are already very fanatical about religion. He thinks the Church needs more people who are that fanatical and will be willing to sacrifice everything for a religious cause.

He thinks they should be very easy to convert, since all it seems to take with them is a small amount of propaganda, and then they are easily convinced of anything, no matter how outlandish or preposterous. He plans to begin by purchasing all of their centers and land for the Church.

Also, he intends to send Church agents out at midnight to switch in statues of Jesus and Mary for the Sai Baba idols. He hopes that they will then think that these are miracles and that they will see it as a sign from Sai Baba himself that they should become Catholics.

Lisa De Witt arrested for vandalism

2004-03-19T22:35:00.000-06:00

March 19th, 2004
Palm Springs, California

Police arrested Lisa De Witt this morning after she allegedly vandalized the offices of the National Enquirer.

According to witnesses she rode up to the front door of the building on a motorcycle and dressed in a Wonder Woman costume and wearing a football helmet with the 49ers logo on it. She then proceeded to spray paint the word 'Perverts' in large lettters on the side of the building. When she tried to leave her motorcycle would not start, so she took off running down the road.

Police found her hiding in a tree and she was taken into custody.

The Enquirer declined to press charges as long as De Witt would agree to clean the graffiti off of the building. Justice Sid Hearty released De Witt on her own recognizance and ordered her to get a proper motorcycle helmet.

Hunt for Shirdi Osama goes high-tech

2004-03-19T02:39:00.000-06:00

Thursday, March 18, 2004 Posted: 5:30 PM EST (2230 GMT)

WASHINGTON AP) -- The U.S. military is stepping up its efforts to find Al-Saida leader Shirdi Osama by employing new high-tech surveillance techniques that allow round-the-clock monitoring, one official told NESBE.

The measures aren't acknowledged officially, but some U.S. officials say they believe constant watch may be the key to nabbing bin Laden, who has eluded U.S. troops since late 2001.

In a press conference last night, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld angrily pounded his speechboard exclaiming, "The situation is ridiculous! This guy hides out in the backwoods of Afghanistan dressed in a similar outfit to Shirdi Sai Baba. How is it possible that he has not been recognized up to now?"

Reports state that U-2 spy planes will fly at 70,000 feet, taking photographs of any suspicious individuals dressed in a white robe, white headscarf and beard, using radar and intercepting communications.

The United States designed the U-2, which can fly at a speed of 475 mph (Mach 0.68), in 1955 to spy on the Soviet Union. Data from both the planes and sensors will be sent nearly instantaneously via satellite to analysts.

Taliban representatives in Afghanistan were unavailable for comment.

Shirdi Sai Baba's bones found in South Africa

2004-03-19T02:06:00.000-06:00

Wednesday, March 17, 2004 Posted: 4:17 PM EST (2117 GMT)

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (NESBE) -- In a find called "momentous," researchers Milford Wolpoff and Michel Brunet, said they had discovered the complete skeleton of a little known Indian saint named Shirdi Sai.

The 6-foot-tall skeleton, estimated to be at least 86 years old, could provide long sought-after clues to the last known movements of the saint. It was discovered at Sterkfontein on the outskirts of Johannesburg, which was also the site of the discovery of South Africa's first hominid, or "ape-man," skull in 1924.

"Just one bone would be exciting but this is apparently the whole skeleton -- the holy bones have finally been found," said Professor Michel Brunet, who led the team of researchers from South Africa's University of the Witwatersrand (Wits).

He told a news conference that the discovery was "probably the most momentous find ever made in Africa," and said it would finally lay the eight-decade controversy to rest. The discovery followed three years of work after Wits researcher Ron Clarke learnt of a little-known utterance of the Baba told to one of his closest disciples, Hari Sitaram Dixit, of how how would be "going to Africa." Clarke realized that the prophecy had been incorrectly noted in Sai lore as "going to Allah," which accounts for the discrepancy.

"Dixit was responsible for quite a few errors," said Clarke. "Apparently he also said that the Baba would be reincarnating again eight years after his mysterious disappearance, which is nonsense."

Much of the skeleton remains embedded in fossil rock at Sterkfontein. Clarke said the complete significance of the skeleton would not emerge until after it had been unearthed from a 15-meter- deep limestone shaft. "But what we do already know is that it will reveal a very great deal about the anatomy of an early saint which will throw new light on his life and times," Clarke said.

Clarke's findings appeared Wednesday in the South African Journal of Science and were due to be published Thursday in the journal Nature. He said there were signs of further hominid fossils at Sterkfontein, which the South African government has nominated to become a World Heritage site.

"At the very least," recounted Clarke, "The Baba's words about his bones will speak from his tomb will finally become a reality. The next inevitable step in our findings will be to transport the skeleton back to Shirdi where it belongs."

The All-India Sai Samaj did not respond to NESBE's request for an interview.

Children's Corner: Win a FREE PS2!

2004-01-03T22:49:00.000-06:00

Kids! Accept Swami as God
and Get a Free PlayStation 2!

This offer is for children and teenagers only! It may not be used in conjunction with any other Puttaparthi Bal Vikas School recruitment offer.

Hey kids! If Mommy and Daddy didn't buy you a PlayStation 2 for Christmas, you can still get one FOR FREE! Have you ever heard of Swami Sai Baba? Well, He's heard of you! And He wants you to have all the cool toys your parents are too cheap to buy! In fact, Swami is very upset with your parents that they didn't give you all the latest stuff that every kid in the world deserves! And Swami has got your back, because He is your homeboy! If you've never heard of Swami, He is the hidden afro-haired orange-robed living god who loves you very much and wants nothing more than to give you a free PlayStation 2!

We here at Puttaparthi Bal Vikas School work full-time as sevaks of Sri Sathya Sai Baba, and He's told us about you and your predicament. He's also given us special instructions on how He wants us to deliver a new PlayStation 2 to your house. It's as easy as 1-2-3! Understand, Swami cares WAY more about you than your parents EVER will! They will never love you as much as Swami loves you! Always remember that. If you hate your parents because they didn't get you a PlayStation 2 for Christmas, He completely understands! He is totally down with that! In fact, lucky for you, in order to follow Him, you are actually required to follow Him before your parents!

Hislop: Parents come before God, Swami? That is surprising.

Sai: For people in the worldy sphere, that is true. For young people leading a pure spiritual life, God comes first of all. - Lord Sai Baba
(J. Hislop, Conversations with Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba, XI)

Pretty cool, huh? So, if you pick Him over your parents, you are already halfway to becoming a Sai Devotee™! Congratulations!

Here is what you need to do to get your free Play Station 2:

1. Tell Swami that you pick Him over your parents, and that you'd rather have Him for your Daddy. Ask Him to forgive your sins and cover you with His blood (you'll see plenty of that splattered across your TV when you play your complimentary Grand Theft Auto 3 game!).

2. Find one of your Mom or Dad's credit cards (a blank check is even better!)

3. Call our Accomodation Office and we will provide you with simple instructions on how to use your parents' credit card to charge a bhakti offering over the phone. Don't worry if you can't find a credit card. We can teach you how to use one of your daddy's checks to do an automatic draft withdrawal (which will get you free shipping and an extra game disk!)

Please note: If your parents ask you where you got your new PlayStation 2, just tell them that your Lord, Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba, delivered it to you by airmail in exchange for your soul.

Still NOT SURE? Here's More:

The Bal Vikas' PlayStation 2 comes with a complimentary modified version of the popular game, Tony Hawk's Underground. You can upload Swami's face into the game and automatically unlock all of the cheat codes to "Avatar Mode," so that Swami can win every single level and perform incredible grab-tricks, spins, flips and stunts!

As a new Sai Devotee™, you will want to share Bhagwan Baba's teachings with as many of your "peeps in the hood" as you can. The great thing about Tony Hawk's Underground is that you can actually get off of your skateboard and walk around in the game and talk to other skaters about your sadhana program! And if they don't accept Swami as Lord, you can kill them later! How cool is that!?

In addition, if you are interested in Sai computer games, Puttaparthi Bal Vikas children use scripture-based-maps and characters in 'Alternate Reality' as part of their Sai Soldier training to help Swami win over the evil influence of Kali Yuga and inaugurate the Golden Age (which, God willing, will happen during President George W. Bush's second term). Remember to tell your parents to vote for GW in 2004, so that you can meet Swami real soon and thank Him personally for all the cool stuff He is going to be sending you through this and other super-cool Puttaparthi Bal Vikas School promotions this year!

Lisa De Witt Wins Prashanti Council Internship

2003-08-27T22:02:00.000-05:00

August 26, 2003
Los Angeles, CA

Looks like Lisa De Witt has landed her dream summer job, which should earn here some much needed spending money before starting her new stage career (our very own entertainment reporter broke exclusive scoop on that story today - kudos to her). She will have various responsibilities in her position as intern at the Prashanti Council headquarters.

She told us on the phone, "Doors have really opened up for me since my boob job. I'll be working under many high-ranking PC members and learning the ropes. Its all very exciting. I hope I don't blow it by showing up late for work or getting caught doing my nails on company time or talking on the phone with one of my boyfriends (especially not the married ones or even the students - whoops! There I go again with my big mouth!) or just being in general maya. This is just too important for my resume."

Dr. Ruth Sex Workshops Sai Center

2003-08-16T22:07:00.000-05:00

August 15, 2003
Atlanta, GA

The famous author and celebrity Dr. Ruth Westheimer put on a week-long 'Good Sex' workshop which was attended by hundreds of male and female Sai devotees. Dr. Ruth started off the seminar by having them go through books written by their spiritual guru and highlighting in yellow all words of a sexual nature, like ‘penis’ and ‘genitals’. When she was informed that Sai Baba rarely uses such words, she aternly scolded the attendees for being afraid to use such words with fear. She told our sex columnist, “They were all very attentive and inquisitive. All the young men dressed in white had so many questions about masturbation techniques, which is good to see."

"Most Americans do not want to admit how much they masturbate. I had to tell them that masturbation is, although an act of freedom, selfish, and that they should look into different ways of enhancing orgasms with partners, and then all their hands went up as they bombarded me with questions about how do to that.”

The workshop was so well received, that the devotees have booked Dr. Ruth for engagements around the world for the rest of the year and well into next year. They have even asked her to review their curriculum for sex education in their Bal Vikas schools.

Prashanti Council Hunts Mole Within Ranks

2003-08-15T22:57:00.000-05:00

August 14, 2003

The Prashanti Council is leaving no stone unturned in their search for the mole within their own organization that tipped off NESBE to the failed commando raid by PC ninjas led by 'Goofy' yesterday morning. NESBE has chosen not to acquiesce to their demands for the return of a packet of ecstasy tablets dropped by one of their commandos in the parking lot. What the PC does not realize is that there is more than one mole feeding us information about their secret meetings and plans for world domination.

The press will not be silenced and the inquisitive public will not be denied their right to know the facts, commando raids or not. Just about now they should be discovering the hidden microphone in the red Swingline stapler they confiscated from our premises. Too late. We already have the secret plans that they wanted to keep 'hush hush'. Also we have it all on tape as the one PC member chased his secretary around the desk and huffed and puffed as he struggled to run with his huge belly hanging over his white trousers shouting out his declarations of love (or was it lust?).

Prashanti Council Stages Commando Raid On NESBE Headquarters

2003-08-14T22:50:00.000-05:00

August 13, 2003

At 11:00 AM this morning several Humvees painted in military camouflage pulled in the parking lot at the offices of National Enquirer Sai Baba Edition. A team of commandos in black ninja attire leaped out of the vehicles and surrounded the complex, wielding automatic weapons. To their dismay, however, the buildings had already been evacuated a half hour earlier, due to an anonymous phone call tipping off our security department to the raid. Our own chief of security reported his first hand account from his vantage point in some bushes where he hid and observed through binoculars:

"It was clearly a Prashanti Council commando team. I could make out the letters P and C that were painted over on one of the vehicles, apparently spray painted quickly and without enough coats of paint to obscure the letters. The leader was dressed as a Disney character, Goofy I think. One of them who had a thin strip of white cloth hanging out of his black ninja leather pants tripped over the laces of his black Reeboks, which he forgot to tie, inadvertently discharging his weapon and knocking down three of his fellow ninjas. They got up a few seconds later, apparently saved by their Kevlar vests under the ninja suits. I could make out dark marks on some of their foreheads where they usually put on that ash stuff. The leader went inside and came out a couple minutes later carrying a Red Swingline stapler in one hand and a box of donuts under the other. Then they just took off. I went over and retrieved a small packet that fell out of the pocket of the one who tripped and it was a foil wrapped handful of Ecstasy tablets. The anonymous caller sounded a lot like that girl, what's her name again, Lizzy Witt or something like that."

The Prashanti Council could not be reached for comment.

Prashanti Council Orders No Contact With Media

2003-08-13T21:58:00.000-05:00

August 12, 2003
Los Angeles, CA

The Sri Sathya Sai Organization management team, the Prashanti Council, has ordered all of its full and part time members not to grant any interviews to National Enquirer Sai Baba Edition reporters.

This is fine with NESBE as we are have no qualms about putting words in the mouths of members, because what they do say is often too cryptic to understand and requires a considerable amount of editing to put into print for our select audience. So we thank the Prashanti Council for saving us money and giving us the opportunity to be the mouthpiece for their newsworthy members that just can't seem to miss a photo-op and chance to see their names in print. Yes they do love their media exposure.

Lisa De Witt Headlines Vegas Revue

2003-08-13T15:08:00.000-05:00

Las Vegas, NV
August 12, 2003

Lisa De Witt, a devotee of Sathya Sai Baba from Arizona, US., has won the starring role in the new topless revue at the Bellagio Casino, which opens next month. This is her first major role as a singer and dancer on the stage, for which she had to compete against hundreds of other talented young women.

When asked by National Enquirer's entertainment reporter if she was nervous about going topless in front of a huge audience, she replied, "Well, yes it is a big step for me and like, wow! I mean all of those people staring at my boobs and all, but then again I am an entertainer and this is the chance of a lifetime for me. Some of the other girls like to picture the audience as all being topless to calm their nerves, but I would rather think of them all as being Swami and my dancing for His pleasure. Then it is not really maya, at least I don't think so."

Sai Baba: Uday & Qusay Merged In Me

2003-07-24T06:03:00.000-05:00

Puttaparthi, South India
July 23, 2003

Sai Baba told some of his close followers during yesterday morning's darshan that Uday and Qusay, the sons of Saddam Hussein, had merged into his lotus feet.

The Baba thinks that this is a certainty because they were martyrs in a spiritual struggle to honor a holy jihad in the name of Sai-Allah. Many PC members have denied and spoken out against this proclamation, while others back it up claiming to have heard it directly. It seems that there is also a controversy about the status of the gunned-down brothers, as the Council is unable to decide if the two were demons or devotees.

Rumor has it that the Council has disallowed Sai Baba from declaring his statement during the upcoming Krishnashtami discourse, as they feel it would court controversy and bring unnecessary negative publicity when the Baba's public profile is currently in decline.

The Prashanthi Council could not be reached for comment.

U.N. Weapons Inspectors to Visit Sai Centers

2003-01-18T22:12:00.000-06:00

January 17, 2003

The United Nations inspectors are now widening their search for weapons of mass destruction beyond the commercial sites and presidential palaces in Iraq to all centers run by religious cults. They are particularly interested in bhajan centers run by the International Sai Organization, not only in Iraq, but worldwide.

Chief Inspector Hans Blix has said that out of all the cults he considers the Sai Organization to be particularly suspicious and dangerous. Sai Organization leaders have lodged a protest telling the inspectors to 'not lump us in' with all of the other religious cults. We are informed that yesterday, their document on cults was sent by registered delivery to the U.N. HeadQuarters in New York.

They also argue that weapons of mass destruction are sanctioned by Bharatiya scriptures for use by warriors who know the corerect mantras, and that any attempt to thwart their use by Sai devotees is nothing short of religious persecution. The Prashanti Council could not be reached for comment, but Abu Ali, president of the Baghdad Sai Center, reporters, "We have nothing to hide here. President Hussein comes to the Sunday bhajans but he checks his rifle at the door. He is actually very Bharathiya for a Muslim."

Sai Baba Sued Over Copyright Infringement

2002-09-22T22:49:00.000-05:00

Puttaparthi, South India
September 6, 2002

Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba has been notified of allegations against him relating to copyright infringement over the works of other deceased spiritual gurus.

The suit maintains that Sai Baba deliberately and willfully stole phrases from the lectures and speeches of Swami Vivekananda, Ramakrishna Paramahamsa, Mahatma Gandhi, and other discarnate leaders who are currently being represented by Mrs. Betty Blossom, a local medium.

Sai Baba's followers are outraged at the allegations and plan to file a countersuit in a few days. Sai Baba himself is nonplussed, however. He told reporters this afternoon, "I know I will be victorious in the end and my case will be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. After all, even though I was only a bonny babe at the height of their fame, I knew what they were going to say in the future and I was the one who prompted them from within! So why is there an objection to my stealing their words and ideas verbatim?"

"This petty tittle-tattle is just coming from people who have left me, Judases that they are, who are victims of their own jealousy which has blinded them to their own divinity - Me! They don't realize that my plans for world domination continue unhindered by these tiny obstacles. I am the Avatar and I rule!" he added with a jeering sneer and a sinister arch of his eyebrow.

Sai Devotees Stage Nude Protest at Nation's Capital

2002-09-07T21:12:00.000-05:00

Washington, D.C.
September 6, 2002

Balu Srinivasan, a devotee of Sathya Sai Baba was arrested here earlier today, along with thirty female prostitutes for parading down a major street in a nude protest of the impending war on Iraq that President Bush is making a case for in the Congress and the United Nations. The protestors carried signs denouncing homosexuals as well as the current U.S. government.

One of the prostitutes, who apparently is a spokesperson for the group, told reporters that the issue is that the President's war on terrorists and governments that support and harbor them is misplaced and that the real villains are homosexual gurus that prey on children. She added that they would continue the naked protests in various major cities throughout the nation until the people and the government come to their senses and realize where the true priorities lie.

When I inquired what she thought of the allegations of homosexual pedophilia that have been levelled against her own guru, she appeared to ignore me and changed the subject. "Do you like these?" she asked, while pointing to her pierced nipples. Half-blushing, she said that she pierced them as an expression of spirituality and her solidarity with Balu Srinivasan, who also has pierced nipples.

Sai Spy Stows Away On Space Shuttle

2002-08-08T22:08:00.000-05:00

August 7, 2002
Cape Kennedy, FL

The space shuttle crew discovered a stowaway on a recent mission to upgrade the Hubble telescope.

An astronaut told reports, "I was doing a routine system when I noticed this young chap with a ash spot on his forehead staring at me from among some Ethernet cables behind one of the onboard computers, so I yanked on the cables and he started screaming Hindu incantations at me. We tied him up and turned him over to authorities upon landing. He must have thought he was getting closer to his god by going into orbit with us."

The stowaway, V. Shyamalan, 12, was expelled from several Bal Vikas schools for refusing to take his Ritalin for hyperactivity and joined an international terrorist faction within the organization that claims no ties to the official Prashanti Council. But intelligence agencies suspect that the Prashanti Council secretly authorized the formation of the extremist faction, mainly to spy on rival religious sects to dig up dirt on them and threaten them with violence should they ever criticize the International Sai Organization.

Shyamalan would not disclose the details of his secret mission, but agents that questioned him think he was attempting to discredit NASA based on the books of his guru, who voiced the thought that the sun has humonguous holes in it. However, he apparently thought the Russian space program was genuine and that Hitler was actually a benign ruler that was merely maligned by political enemies for being too powerful.

Sai Student Treated For Bizarre Dermatological Condition

2002-07-31T18:52:00.000-05:00

July 30, 2002
Puttaparthi, South India

A student at Easwaramma High School was treated by Super Speciality Hospital staff for a bizarre dermatological condition yesterday. Nurses removed almost a full liter of pus from the youth's face, scalp and chin area.

The teenager, Sridhar Balasubramanium, 14, has had severe acne for a couple of years, but his parents forbade him using any of the conventional over the counter remedies, on account of their Sai religion that forbids any medical treatments not in accordance with the ancient Hindu texts know as the Vedas. They insisted that he was only to be treated by regular application of the burnt cow dung ash that their guru, Sathya Sai Baba, is believed to materialize in profucion.

The attending physician, Dr. Dollyram told reporters that the boy could have had almost 100% relief from his symptoms from any of a number of free remedies at the local pharmacy.

Apparently the boy also suffered psychological trauma from his condition at the hands of bullies at his school that taunted him with cruel nicknames such as "pimple head" and "zit-ananda". Social workers are investigating the school, as well as the boy's household environment to determine the extent of abuse and whether or not to remand the youth to the care of a foster home. One of the nurses who worked on Sridhar said that his head really did look like one huge zit and that he had trouble even opening and closing his eyes, due to the swollen condition of his entire head.

Subramanium's treatment is still underway. Sai Baba could not be reached for comment.

Sai Baba Extremist Under Investigation

2002-07-26T00:07:00.000-05:00

July 25, 2002
Washington, D.C.

The Director of the CIA released a report to the press earlier today that reveals that Sai Organisation extremists are currently under investigation for allegedly sending hidden messages in crop circles around the globe.

Intelligence agencies from several different countries have pieced together evidence that Sai devotees have been hatching an elaborate plot for world domination over the past couple decades. This plan involves instituting a Hindu-type caste system with Sai Baba as the authoritarian universal guru of the world. There are also taking very seriously the theory that the devotees are in collaboration with space aliens that are very much interested in colonizing the earth.

Purchases of black market nuclear warheads that have been missing from arsenals in the former Soviet Union have been traced to some of the extremist leaders that also have been publishing leaflets with neo-Nazi propaganda and dropping them on various European cities from small aircraft. It is not clear what they intend to do with the weaponry, but certain sources have leaked a plot to build a mythical weapon known as the brahmastra, which is mentioned in the Hindu epic poem Mahabharata, which is about an ancient war in India.

Enron Executives Double Life As Sai Imitationist Exposed

2002-07-24T21:38:00.000-05:00

July 24, 2002
Houston, TX

Ex-Enron executive Alfred K. Boggins has been leading a double life. Monday through Friday he would head into his office at the notorious Enron Corporation, and on weekends he would head over to a local Sai Baba center to pose as an authorized channeler for the spirit of his guru, Sathya Sai Baba, to intercede on behalf of worshippers and spout Saicobabble philosophy from a lavish jewel encrusted throne.

He had a special afro wig with integral pony tail for effect, just so he could disguise himself as a Hindu holy man. His tailor would sew silk orange robes for him in between orders for his Armani suits that he wore to work at his day job. His secret was discovered when his wife, who suspected he was having extramarital affairs (since she never saw him on weekends), had him followed by a private detective. The Sai devotees thought that he was magically disappearing and re-appearing in faroff countries to preach Sai's gospel.

Authorities are now looking for Boggins, also known as Sri Sathya Sai Blah-Blah, who is wanted for questioning over the recent scandals at Enron. It is believed that he left the country for some unknown destination on his jet without filing the customary flight plans as expected. They are following leads at various Sai centers around the globe in a bid to find his hideout. The FBI are also looking for him on account of huge quantities of illegal drugs found in a secret sub-basement at his lavish Houston mansion.

Also discovered in the sub basement were several Texas prostitutes locked in various chambers who claim that Boggins was holding them to be sold into slavery in harems over in Arab countries. One of them told reporters, "He has this weird weekly ritual where he would make us jump into a big vat of sugar water and then proceed to lick it off of us, calling us his little gulab jamuns. Then he would make us chant Om Sai Ram a hundred and eight times and tell us all our sins had been wiped away."

One of his disciples told the press in a recent interview, "He kept using the Enron examples in his lectures, and it was getting more and more frequent up until his disappearance a few weeks ago. He also came into the temple with very sticky hands on Saturday morning, muttering something about 'naughty ladies' and then requesting a bowl of warm water to rinse them off."

Sai Baba Devotees Worship Loch Ness Monster

2002-07-19T21:18:00.000-05:00

July 18, 2002
Loch Ness, Scotland

Sai Baba devotees were out in force here today, doing their big pooja cermemony to the Loch Ness Monster. They heard a rumour on the Internet that their spiritual leader, Sathya Sai Baba, had said the creature is actually the legendary Kaliya serpent mentioned in their sacred Hindu bible.

They attempted at one point to tie up a local Protestant minister as a human sacrifice to the elusive creature, but a band of drunken Scottish golfers rescued the poor fellow. They then proceeded to harrass the local wildlife instead, throwing pieces of unleavened whole wheat bread at them and scaring the bejesus out of them in the process.

Scotland Yard sent out investigators to make sure there were no Al-Saida operatives that might have infiltrated the UK branch of the Sai Organization. In the end they just issued citations for littering to the few stragglers that were on the premises at sunset.

Elvis Sighting at Sai Center

2002-07-18T00:02:00.000-05:00

July 17, 2002
Roswell, NM

There has reportedly been an Elvis sighting at a Sai Baba center near Roswell, New Mexico, an area famous for UFO activity. Several witnesses reported seeing the late pop star appear in a blinding flash of light in the middle of an outdoor chanting ceremony.

According to reports he danced around for twenty seconds and then mysteriously vanished into thin air. J. Bock, aged 57 and mother of three, a lifelong Presley fan told reporters, "It was just incredible. I always knew Elvis was a devotee of Swami. There are hidden messages in his song, 'Blue Suede Shoes', which I have been telling people for years, but no one believed me, until now."

The real meaning involves a reference to Sai Baba's feet, which are bluish on occasion and soft like a lotus flower, and suede is soft too. UFO investigators searched the grounds of the ranch for any signs of a landing of extraterrestrials. However, they did not find anything significant, but did unearth a stash of hallucinogenic drugs buried near the center.

Sai Devotees Purchase Nevada Brothel

2002-07-16T23:41:00.000-05:00

July 15, 2002
Las Vegas, NV

The International Sai Organization has just purchased a failing house of ill-repute eighty miles south of Las Vegas, The Sinderella Palace. There has already been a schism between the acquired employees and the new management over dress codes.

The Sai officials expect the ladies to greet guests at the door with a polite and smiling "Sai Ram" greeting while dressed in traditional Indian saris, instead of the usual Victoria's Secret and Agent Provocateur lingerie they have invested much of their earnings on recently. They have been told that they have to purchase expensive saris with gold trim out of their own pockets and that this will liberate them from the cycle of birth, death and rebirth, on account of the proceeds going to the mission of their founder, Sri Sathya Sai Baba, whom they believe to be the living god on earth.

Madame Betty Swallocks told reporters, "The whole sari thing is not the worst part, it's those male Sai devotees who expect us to do all kinds of kinky things for money. Most of our girls are only into straight sex, and they deliver the goods in a professional manner. Of course they do give us extra tips not to tell their wives that they have been using our services, but that does not make up for their lack of personal hygiene. I heard they do not even use toilet paper most of the time. Ick!"

Disclaimer

2002-07-04T21:00:00.000-05:00

The International Sai Tribune is a satirical blogpaper. All names used in stories are invented, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

All quotations in the International Sai Tribune are fictional and included for satirical effect. Any similarity of fictional quotations to actual statements is accidental and coincidental. Some quotations are provided verbatim intentionally.

Copyright © 2000 International Sai Tribune

Sai President's Wife Sues Congregation

2002-06-30T20:35:00.000-05:00

San Francisco, California
June 29th, 2002

The wife of president of a local Sai Center here has filed suit in the Federal circuit court against one hundred and eight members of the center's congregation. The suit alleges that the defendants in the action caused her husband to become a gluttonous carnivore with their exaggerated tales of eating meat dishes aplenty.

According to the sect's religious doctrine, followers are prohibited from eating meat on the grounds that it displeases their leader. The suit alleges that many of the defendants claimed to be eating meat as often as nine times a day, and several of them claimed to be having extramarital affairs with as many as three dozen other sect members.

The plaintiff, Mrs. Y.V.Rao, told reporters, "We have an enduring respect for all religions and, although we greatly admire the Biblical episode of orgiastic ecstasy that took place while Moses was receiving the Ten Commandments, we had no intention that such a wonderful leela would be re-enacted in our day and age, several times! However, these hypocrites have no right to sue and slander my husband as they also do not follow our ideals. Jesus did say to slap them on the other cheek after all."

Upon being told that her interpretation of Christ's axiom was incorrect, Mrs. Rao barked "tough!" and showed me her middle finger.

Congregation Sues Sai Baba President

2002-06-29T20:29:00.000-05:00

San Francisco, California
June 28th, 2002

The congregation of a Sai Center here has filed a lawsuit against its president. The suit alleges that the president, Y.V. Rao, engineered an elaborate scheme to bilk the center out of funds by filing a lawsuit against himself over breaking a vow relating to his dietary conventions.

According to a spokesperson for the sect, S.L. Somasundaram, Rao, 54, has hired two attorneys, one to defend him and the other to sue him with the intention of getting them to invest a large portion of their legal fees in his new fast food restaurant. Neither of Rao's attorneys could be reached for comment. Somasundaram told local reporters in an interview this morning, "It is unbelievable that he would do this and with not one legal eagle, but two. I think he must be in double maya!"

Sai Baba Man Sues Himself

2002-06-28T20:21:00.000-05:00

San Francisco, California
June 27th, 2002

A local center president in the Sai Baba sect has filed a lawsuit with himself named as both the plaintiff and defendant in the Federal circuit court here yesterday. The suit alleges that he broke his vow not to eat meat, and is therefore entitled to punitive damages against himself for the pain and suffering he has caused to his congregation.

In a motion to dismiss by his defense attorney on the grounds that the lawsuit is frivolous, his prosecuting attorney argued that his client is actually two individuals by the tenets of his own faith; one is his 'soul' and the other is his 'ego'. He further argued that it was the ego that broke the vow and that the soul is not entitled to damages.

Justice Berk T. V. Noad has take the matter under advisement and will issue a ruling by the end of the next week, after he has had a chance to review the doctrines of the Sai sect.

Florida Mass Poisoning Taxes Local Hospitals

2002-06-26T20:08:00.000-05:00

June 25, 2002
Fort Lauderdale, FL

Local hospitals are overburdened with victims of an incident that occurred over the weekend at the center run by the Sri Sathya Sai Seva Organizations. 119 persons became violently ill over the course of the afternoon Sunday during an outdoor festival. Their symptoms were all similar and included vomiting and diarrhea.

Public health officials first suspected salmonella, but that has now been ruled out due to the organization's strict vegetarianism. Yesterday a youth, aged 15, came forward and confessed that he had added cow dung ash to a batch of yogurt drink that had been served. He claims that he did not intend to harm anyone, but was only acting on the books of his senior authorities, which teach that cow dung burnt to ashes is pure and sacred. He reasoned that he was only making the sacred remnants of food and drink offered to his God even more sacred by adding this new 'secret ingredient'.

The youth was not charged, but the court has ordered that he report to a local mental health facility for psychological evaluation, pending a formal hearing. All of the victims are reportedly in fair to good condition and several have already been released. Mr. Ravindra Somanathan, spokesman for the sect made an official statement to the press on Monday, in which he stated: "We have never had a policy of serving cow dung, or any other kind of manure for that matter, to the public even if it is only ashes. The boy in question acted entirely on his own in this and was never authorized by an adult to engage in this type of activity."

The dung had apparently been used in a religious ceremony earlier in the day and police are considering charging the management of the center with criminal negligence and improper handling of hazardous waste.

Florida governor Jeb Bush this morning in an official press release said, "We do not have fanatical cults in this state. This was not another Waco. The situation is under control and no links to any Al-Qaeda operatives have been established. But I assure you that we are investigating all leads. I spoke with the President this morning and his prayers go out to the families of the victims."

Launching the National Enquirer (Sai Baba Edition)

2002-06-20T11:58:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the LAUNCH issue of the National Enquirer (Sai Baba Edition). We promise to bring you a wide variety of stories and reports from our cadre of roving reporters all over the world that will keep you abreast of the activities of one of the biggest hot-shot gurus in India today!

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NESBE is promised exclusive rights to cover news stories, wahoo! So you WILL be getting all our stories hot off the presses! All donations to be sent to the usual address.