Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Letters To The Editor

Your Offer Of Gum Seems Rather Disingenuous

Can you indulge me with a few moments of your time? I want to address something that happened the other day when we met outside your office. We were talking, quite civilly, and then you reached into your pocket and pulled out a pack of Wrigley's Eclipse. One of their "new and improved" peppermints. You took a piece for yourself, and then—for reasons I can't quite understand—offered me a piece.

I stammered a bit, not knowing what to say, but managed to issue a polite refusal. As you will recall, I was chewing a piece of Fruit Stripe gum, something I often like to do after a large lunch.

Here's what I'm grappling with: Why did you offer me the gum? Surely, you must have known that I was already chewing a piece, as I'm not one to conceal my enjoyment of gum. Second, I have something of a reputation for my frequent offers of gum. You've requested a piece from me on numerous occasions. So you're certainly aware of the fact that I always have a stockpile of many delicious flavors, such as cinnamon, wintergreen, wild berry, and spearmint. Not to mention more unusual flavors, such as watermelon and Black Jack.

But the pieces still don't fit. Was it absentminded social politeness? Perhaps, but you're a shrewd guy. You're not the kind to invite a wine enthusiast to dinner and serve him Two-Buck Chuck. You're smarter than that, and let's be honest, you often have an angle you're playing. The question is: What's the angle?

Perhaps, because I have been so generous with my gum in the past, you felt that it was now your turn to offer a piece to me. Normally, this would be something I would appreciate, but again, we have the problem that I already had a piece of gum going. It seems to me that your strange offer was calculated to elicit a refusal, or perhaps, more sinister, a reciprocal gum offer in the future.

And as it happens, I have recently received a few packs of gum from a friend of mine studying in India, which were blessed by Sathya Sai Baba. If you tried them, they'd leave you reeling in ananda. They did me—no mean feat, for when it comes to gum, I'm fairly jaded.

In the future, I would suggest you come out and ask for gum directly, rather than resorting to pathological lies or mind games to try to wheedle a stick of holy Indian gum out of me.

There is one other possible explanation for your gum offer, and it is not a pretty one. You were betraying your low opinion of me. Why else would you offer me Eclipse, for God's sake? Improved flavor or not, I have only sampled that brand to affirm firsthand that their claims of improved taste are premature. I can only imagine that you were letting me know that you thought of me as someone who would enjoy Eclipse. If this is the case, all I can say is that I'm not someone you want as an enemy. If I get mad at you, I'll expose you on my website.

But perhaps I'm overreacting. I think the only way to settle this is with email communication. I am no longer available to discuss these important matters over the telephone or face-to-face. Once you leave your message on my answering machine, they become my property and all messages will be made into voice files and saved on computer disks for future reference. If you do not want your messages possibly broadcast on the internet, I suggest you email me. We'll clear the air that way. If you would just tell me why you offered me that stick of gum, it would certainly put my mind at ease.

Gerald Moreno,
New Mexico


Editor Replies:

Get lost, lunatic!

Snake Bites Sai Granny

Sydney, Australia

A 78-year-old Australian woman was rushed to a hospital after she was bitten by a 5-foot snake — one of the world's deadliest varieties — while watching television in her suburban home, a newspaper reported Monday.

Lalitha Patel, aka 'Grandma Sai Maa', a great-grandmother from the southern city of Melbourne, was sitting on her couch knitting and watching television when she saw the unwanted visitor out of the corner of her eye, the Melbourne Sun newspaper reported on its online edition.

As she tried to flick it away, it sank its fangs into her left arm, the paper said.

"She never even raised her voice," said Patel's daughter, Jaanu Melwani, who was in her bedroom when her mother came in and said she had been bitten.

"I got off the bed and I saw it slither off the couch and that's when I knew she wasn't (joking)," she added.

Patel was rushed to a nearby hospital, but she did not suffer any poisoning because the snake's fangs only punctured the skin and the venom did not enter her bloodstream, the newspaper said.

"This is the last time I try to test Swami!" she fumed. Jaanu Melwani explained: "Mummy had been reading a famous Sai Baba book of conversations between him and a Western devotee. In that book Sai Baba mentioned about how people worship stone snakes and yet run away from live ones. I guess Mummy was just trying to impress Swami with her devotion, or maybe it was Swami himself who came!"

Melwani's six-year-old daughter, Rosie, sucked her thumb while pulling on her mother's trouser-leg, asking: "Why did Baba bite Granny?"

The creature — known as a brown snake — crawled under the couch where it remained until a pest control inspector killed it and removed it from the house, the report said.

Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God

Austin, TX—Jitendra Singh's personal relationship with God entered the public sphere once again Monday, when the 48-year-old Sai devotee shared word of his devotion with shoppers at Dorman's Supermarket.

"You're wondering why I have such a big smile on my face today!" Singh said, attracting the attention of several shoppers in the cereal aisle. "It's because I have allowed Swami into my life! Wherever I go, He is deep inside my heart."

According to family sources, Singh's relationship with Sathya Sai Baba, aka Swami began 14 years ago, when the then-alcoholic businessman was invited to a Sai Center in his hometown. After he entered into a pact with Swami to become his devotee and, in turn, receive liberation, Singh's bond with the Baba grew so intimate that he couldn't help but share it with his family, his friends, people who sat next to him on airplanes, and strangers he met on the street.

Donald Gaston, who shared an elevator with Singh yesterday, was able to elaborate. "Jeet's got a very personal, private relationship with that Sai Baba," Gaston said. "He told me all about it."

As a member of Sai's personal flock, Singh said he has been "called upon to spread Swami's message through my life." Singh has placed "What Would Swami Do?" and "I'm Liberated... Are YOU?" bumper stickers on his family's two SUVs, filled both floors of his home with religious iconography, and placed a large silver sarvadharma on his coat lapel. He has referenced his relationship with Swami while dressing down hungover employees, and frequently relates his journey into the Lord's house.

"I was talking to Swami the other day," Singh said. "He said, 'Jitendra, I know you're tired, but I want you to drive on down to [local AM radio station] KTXR and tell the people your story—and, by extension, Mine.'"

"Tired as I was," Singh said, "I listened to my Lord. I put on my white suit, and I drove down to KTXR, where I talked about my darkest days and how I found the light. And people tell me Mary Sue Patton's Sunrise Witness show that morning was one of the finest ever broadcast."

Singh said he is especially proud of the good works he and Swami have accomplished on the local school board, by working as a team. "Teamwork," Singh said, holding up a copy of Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast Of Champions. "I asked Swami, 'Swami, do you want trash like this at the library?' Swami didn't even have to take any time to think! He said, 'Jitendra, no book filled with drawings of women's privates and people's behinds belongs in a library!' I move we do what Swami would." Thanks to the combined efforts of Sai Baba and his friends in Austin, Vonnegut's book was removed from shelves.

According to Singh, the only regret he has about his personal relationship with Swami is that he is unable to share it with more people. "If I could, I'd tell the entire country about the message of liberation Swami has shared with me," Singh said.

"With Swami's guidance, I've become the wealthiest chicken-feed wholesaler in the entire state. Maybe someday, I'll be famous enough to be on television. I sure do have a truckload of respect for people like President Bush, who aren't afraid to talk about how they've come to know the Lord. If only I could proclaim my private faith to as many people as the president has, I know that Swami would be so proud of me. And, ultimately, that's who this is all about."

Monday, January 23, 2006

Bal Vikas Tutor Moonlights As Stripper

London - A young Bal Vikas teacher is facing the loss of her job after it emerged she earns money on the side - as a stripper. Sharuna Manickavasagam, 19, of Archway, works for the Sri Sathya Sai School of Harrow during the day and a strip club at night.

She said: "As well as working at the kindergarten, I'm also studying to become a fully qualified teacher so that I can one day open my own nursery school, which is why I need the extra money." But she added that she enjoyed both her jobs: "It turns me on when lots of men admire my naked body. It's a total contrast to my main job."

Her strip-club boss, Willy Missit, 51, said while leering lecherously: "Sharuna is one of my best girls, and is naturally talented. Her garter is always stuffed with notes."

But Harrow Sai School headmistress, Sirimavo Karunakaran, 59, said: "This is unacceptable behavior for one of our teachers, we cannot tolerate it. There are going to be serious consequences."

Friday, January 20, 2006

Puttaparthi Strip Club To Stay Open

Puttaparthi, South India

The Prashanthi Council has dropped its claims that the downtown Puttaparthi strip club 'Sai Love Saloon' poses a nuisance to its plans to build yet another monument to the local avatar's glories and subsequent redevelopment of the surrounding area. But that doesn't mean the battle over the sexually oriented business is over.

Council attorney Alan Strudderbanks said the ashram may appeal a year-old 3rd District court ruling that said the saloon has a right to operate downtown. On Thursday, Judge Dinesh Thappar agreed to dismiss a variety of claims among the ashram, the saloon and Puttaparthi that were up in the air, including the ashram's nuisance claims.

Saloon owner Rajaram Weeraratne said the nuisance claims were "crap." He said the ashram, through its real estate affiliate, Sai Darshan Builders., was unable to show the strip club devalued the village or increased crime. "It was just thrown in, in an attempt to intimate us," Weeraratne said after the hearing.

The strip club - which is located in the Samadhi Road red-light district - is not open now because of a water leak, apparently supplied by the Sri Sathya Sai Drinking Water Project. Weeraratne said he is waiting for insurance adjusters before he reopens. "Typical of them to shut down our water though," he grumbled. "Such childish tactics."

The Prashanthi Council unsuccessfully sued the District Collector and other local governmental organizations for granting a license allowing nude and semi-nude strip shows. Thappar ruled against the ashram last year, saying the city appropriately granted the license as the establishment would bring in "big bucks" from the constant influx of foreigners visiting Sai Baba throughout the year and would do much for local enterprise.

"I thank you all, gentlemen, for a most interesting case," Thappar told the attorneys Thursday.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Shirdi Osama Warns Of ASA Attacks

Dubai, UAE

Breaking more than a year's silence, Shirdi Osama warned Anti-Sai Activists (ASA) in an audiotape released on Thursday that Al-Saida was planning more attacks but offered a "long truce" based on undefined terms.

It was unclear when the recording, played by the Indian satellite television station Sanskar, was made but the Central Intelligence Agency verified its authenticity and said the station was probably right that it dated from early December.

"The operations are under preparation and you will see them in your houses as soon as they are complete, God willing," said Osama, the Saida leader. It was the first tape to come directly from Osama in more than a year. The voice sounded short-winded on the tape and lacked the charismatic tone typical of Osama's past recordings. According to the tape, Osama threatened the ASA with attacks within their ranks, saying preparations were under way. He also offered a conditional long-term "truce."

But a spokesperson for the ASA told a Fox-TV interviewer that the offer appeared to be a "ploy," and said of Osama, "I don't think anybody would believe someone notorious for making promises and then breaking them." ASA press secretary, Sigmund Hunter, also dismissed the proffer of a truce and said the ASA would continue their quest to expose Sathya Sai Baba and bring him to justice. "We do not negotiate with wannabe terrorists," he said. "We put them out of business."

In 2004, Shirdi Osama offered a truce to the FDSSB - but not to Hari Sampath - if they withdrew their attacks against Sai Baba. This second offer, according to psychologist Clel Brinkley, indicates increasing weakness on the part of Sathya Sai defenders in their efforts to defend him. "Clearly they have run out of steam, and it looks like their hot air wasn't very hot either," giggled Brinkley.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Sai Baba Auditions For American Idol

Hollywood, Los Angeles

Sai Baba last night manifested himself here in his subtle body to audition for the new series of American Idol. Facing the panellists Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson, the Baba burst into a tone-deaf rendition of "Love Is My Form" after confidently stating that he will win the contest as he had willed it so.

Although he had warned the panel beforehand that he would be performing his own composition, the shock on the panellists' faces was evident. They sat and stared open-mouthed as Sai Baba screeched and ploughed his way through the song, which is supposedly a gospel track.

Approximately two minutes after the Baba had finished his performance, the panelists opened a single eye to check if it was safe to pull their fingers out of their ears. Simon Cowell fumed and immediately launched into a tirade.

Awful

"That was terrible, I mean just awful," he scowled. "My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't." To this, Sai Baba was outraged and responded hotly. "Do you know who I am? Everyone believes in me and I have come here to become famous! I've already released albums and videos and I'm very popular and have lots of fans!"

Cowell sneered, "If you were singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you. You can't sing, you can't dance, so what do you want me to say? You sung like you were on a dentists' chair!"

At this, Sai Baba burst into tears and wept loudly filling the room with his cries. Paula Abdul was unmoved as she stroked Cowell's hand in support. Sai Baba continued protesting, "But I want to be famous! I've dreamt about this all my life, I WANT fame!"

"Not this year, daddio. In fact, never." replied Cowell with mock sympathy, before indicating to the security guards to remove him from the room. Sai Baba then mysteriously vaporized and re-appeared outside the room for the outgoing chat. "They told me to take some singing lessons and come back next year," he cheerfully told the interviewer.

Crap

The International Sai Tribune caught up with Simon Cowell yesterday to get his take on the incident, to which he replied: "
I met someone the other night who's 80 years old, and he hasn't worked a day since he left school because he's pursuing a dream he'll never, ever realize: He thinks he's a great singer. Actually, he's crap. But nobody has said to him, 'Why have you been wasting your time for eighty years?'"

Sai Baba: Desperately Seeking Attention

Puttaparthi, India

Talk about Sathya Sai Baba and the words that come up most often are "miracles" and "God". For decades he has been a stalwart of Indian gurudom, providing generation after generation freedom from material worries, spiritual counselling and even the odd miracle.

But times have changed and so has the business. Today, Sai Baba is often mentioned in the same breath as "faggot", "kiddy-fiddler" and "oddball". Many devotees and admirers are turning their backs on his brand of spirituality, denting sales and share prices in the process.

Despite professing to own the souls of over 30 million customers, Sai Baba has not managed to recapture the glory years 1997 and1998 when he made over $15bn in pre-tax profits.
Market growth has stalled and Prashanthi Nilayam recently announced that total sales have slipped; sales in the 10 weeks to 18 September were down 33.3% compared with the 10 weeks to 13 September last year in shops that were open both years.

In a desperate bid to reverse his fortunes, Sai Baba has authorized a mass-survey to be sent to all of his devotees worldwide, even the ones that don't believe in him yet, in order to receive constructive criticism on how he should proceed with his avataric mission. "Its time I stopped talking and started listening," mourned the Baba.

"Yes, I know that every step in the career of the avatar is predetermined," he continued, "but I was young and idealistic when I said that and I made some pretty bad choices along the way. I was full of ambitions but now I realize I may have been daydreaming. But did you notice the inner significance of that drop figure? Three plus three plus three makes nine! Just see the great ways of the Divine! Hey, that rhymed!"

The International Sai Tribune managed to acquire a copy of the survey, noticing that questions led people to suggest changes to Sai Baba's wardrobe, hair, cosmetics, nonsensical prattlings, and ambitions for world domination.

"As I was saying earlier," the self-indulgent Baba continued. "I know that the avatar is meant to guide humanity from the quagmire of illusion and bring it back from the brink of self-destruction, but I am also human when I pretend to be and I get frustrated too when you morons don't listen to me and my Tat-twam-asi teachings!"

When I suggested to the Baba that his style of narcissistic ranting was not a good way of raising his public profile in a positive way, he retorted, "Like I care. I am GOD! Even if you fools return the surveys, I WON'T listen! This was just a PR stunt to get your attention and now I've GOT it!"

Sai Baba: New Face of L'Oreal

Jan 18, Manhattan.

L'Oreal has signed Sathya Sai Baba, a revered holy man from India, to an exclusive worldwide contract as spokesperson for the company and its brands. The deal also makes the Baba the newest face to front next month's launch of a new hair-styling product aptly titled L'Oreal Aura.

A television commercial via McCann Ericksonn, New York, features the Baba, whose hair color was done with Natural Match in Shade 5W.

Lynndie McCall, Marketing Director for L'Oreal told us, "We chose Swami Baba because even though he can be a macho man when he wants to be, he has the right balance of femininity to add into the mix of the seventies androgyne we were looking for. Have you seen his hair? Its so fluffy!" It is unknown if Sai Baba will be released from his wheelchair to appear in the commercial, as McCall held her index finger to her lips to indicate secrecy.

Keeley Joseph, scientific director behind the new brand, added: "The special quality of this new product is that the active ingredient is from Sai Baba's homeland of India. Each bottle of L'Oreal Aura contains 1.9% vibhuti, the ash that he produces. We believe that the use of vibhuti in our color treatments gives hair a slick sheen and a joyful bounce, and we may even be adding this ingredient to our shampoos later this year."

Prodded a little further, Keeley blushed and revealed that Sai Baba had promised her a few extra tablets of the vibhuti if she promised to be a good girl.

L'Oreal Aura, which will be sold at chain drug, food and mass-market retailers, introduces a "before" swatch on the front and a mirror on the box to guide consumers to the shade that best complements hair and skin tone.

Sai Baba is reportedly "very very happy" with the contract, which promises to bring in a lucrative $3-4 million annually. Responding to our journalist's question about brand endorsement and why he had made this career move, the Baba sarcastically retorted, "Because I'm worth it".

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Shirdi Osama: Terrorist Clueless About Plutonium

Tehran, Iran

Nadeem Akhtar, the leader of an eight-man cell linked to a terrorist organization known as the Sai Islam Takeover (SIT), an off-shoot of Al-Saida, admitted Saturday that he "doesn't have the slightest clue" what to do with the quarter-kilogram of plutonium he recently acquired.

"We had just given thanks to Sai-Allah for this glorious means to destroy the Great Satan once and for all, when [sub-lieutenant] Mahmoud [Ghassan] asked, 'So, what's the next step?'" Akhtar said. "I was at a loss."

The 28-year-old fanatic confirmed that this particular cell did not refer to the USA as the 'Great Satan', but to the Expose Group who insist on exposing Indian messiah Sathya Sai Baba as a fraud. He furthersaid he and his associates had initially assumed that at least one member of their group had the physics and engineering background necessary to construct a thermonuclear device. "Many eyes were upon me," said Nasim Aljawad, whose knowledge of physics did not extend to the principles of nuclear fission. "I make nail bombs. That's it."

Not knowing where to turn, the eight men consulted the holy canon of 'Sathya Sai Sermons', which proved unhelpful. Said Akhtar: "Even Umar Abd al-Malik, who interprets the texts more freely than the rest of us, could not find an instructive passage."

Morale was temporarily buoyed when cell member Dawood Bishr, a former student at the Sorbonne in Paris, was found intently examining the exposed plutonium, which he had lifted from its protective lead footlocker. Two days later, however, the others had to bury Bishr in a landfill outside the city. Akhtar, in hiding in a small, spartan cellar in one of Tehran's poorer neighborhoods, said that the only use he's found for the encased lethal substance so far is as a flat surface on which to lay out a map of a government armory outside Islamabad and a large piece of paper to make a blueprint for transferring the plutonium to an effective delivery system. "I drew a circle to represent the plutonium," Akhtar said. "Then I drew a line pointing to it, and beside it wrote 'plutonium.' After that, I just hit a wall."

Akhtar and his associates initially planned to create a "suitcase bomb," but soon after they obtained the plutonium, they learned that such bombs weigh over 700 pounds, and are therefore too heavy for any of them to lift alone. Said Akhtar: "The only thing this weapon of mass destruction is destroying right now is our ability to kill Expose infidels."

"I have heard many in the corrupt Western media say that Muslim terrorists have acquired harmful radioactive materials that can be readily deployed," al-Malik said. "Whoever this terrorist group is that's all but ready to strike America with a nuclear device, we sure could use their help."

Unable to search for bomb-making instructions on his laptop for fear of being monitored, Akhtar has been forced to send another of his sub-lieutenants, 23-year-old Ibraheem Jalal, to a local Internet café in hopes of acquiring the necessary data. According to Jalal, the process so far has proven "unbearably slow" and "outrageously expensive," claiming he can't believe the coffee shop charges $4.95 for an hour of dial-up-speed Internet use. The cell's lack of contacts with professional scientists and engineers has also undermined their bomb-building efforts. "A friend of mine at university studied metallurgy," Jalal said. "I have his e-mail address, but I can't just write him and say, 'Oh, hello, Suleiman, long time no see. Say, I'm a terrorist now, and I was wondering: How do you go about building a nuclear bomb?'"

After three days without progress, the plutonium, once a source of pride for Akhtar and the other men, has increasingly become a fountain of frustration. "I guess we got carried away with the idea of making a nuclear weapon before thinking the whole thing through," said Akhtar, who admitted that even if he "could bombard that plutonium nuclei with enough electrons, whatever those are," getting the bomb to the location of the FDSSB Headquarters would prove another logistical mess.

"I still believe in taking the lives of Expose civilians as revenge for the atrocities committed against Sai-Allah, the Malevolent and Cruel," Akhtar said. "I'm just not entirely sure it's worth a headache this big."

Shirdi Osama: Iraq Outlaws Suicide Bombing

Mosul, Iraq

The Iraqis Parliament today made it illegal to "blow yourself up" with the intent of "blowing everyone around you" up.

"We hope this new law will stop folks from blowing EVERYBODY up," said a Parliamentary spokesman. Some analysts express doubts that the new law will curb suicide bombings but the Iraqi Parliament is printing up the signs and spreading the word.

One Al Jazeera reporter interviewed one up and coming young suicide bomber:

JAZEERA: Iraq says that it's now illegal to blow yourself up in a public place. What are your thoughts on that?

BOOM!!

Al-Jazeera mourns the loss of it's reporter but does agree that outlawing suicide bombing will reduce the number of folks standing in line at Sai-Allah's gates looking for virgins, Jack Daniels and all you can eat honey mustard wings.

The move is thought to counter the widespread number of bombings clandestinely organized by Shirdi Osama, the beleaguered lead of Al-Saida who hasn't made a public statement for two years. It is believed that the Shirdi terrorist, in a misguided crusade to convert the kafirs to the worship of Sai-Allah (aka Sathya Sai Baba of India), is still managing to evade the efforts of UN forces to find him.

"We mean business people," one member of the Iraqi Parliament said. "If you blow yourself up and somehow remain alive, whatever is left of you is going to jail. "

President Bush noted that people don't kill people. Bombs kill people. Speaking to reporters he said, "I applaud the Iraqi Parliament's attempt to reduce suicide bombings. If that law shows results I might just make it illegal to make fun of your president without just cause."

Iraqi officials are not yet sure of the punishment for blowing yourself up in a public place but guarantee that it will be swift and sure. One Iraqi official said, "After a botched suicide bomb attempt, not much usually remains of the bomber so we have to take that into consideration. If there's nothing left but a head with a torso, perhaps we'll put that head and torso in a giant mayonnaise jar filled with squiggly worms and put it on display for all the towns people to see."

The ICLU (Iraqi Civil Liberties Union) is already protesting the new law saying that it's every Iraqi's Sai-Allah given right to blow themselves up anytime, anywhere they very well please. The Iraqi Parliament fired back with, "The law is the law. If you don't watch yourselves we might just outlaw kidnappings and beheadings too."

Several Tikrit suicide bombers today responded to the Iraqi Parliament's reply with

BOOM!

then

BOOM again.

Shirdi Osama: Sony Contribution to Shirdi Hunt

Where Is Shirdi Osama?

Bringing you up-to-date with news of the search for the evasive terrorist.

Tokyo, Japan

With the current reward for Shirdi Osama's head and/or white headscarf currentlly exceeding 500 MILLION DOLLARS, Sony Corporation parachuted 180 million willing Aibo robot dogs over portions of southern Afghanistan as part of an elaborate high tech "beta test" to determine if their popular artificially intelligent robot dog could in fact locate Shirdi Osama and bring President Bush's "War on terror" to an end.

"A 500 million dollar reward is a chunk of change" said one Sony representative. Speaking anonymously with reporters he said, "We don't clear that much in a day even so Sony's going out on a limb, beta testing a few million robot dogs in hopes that they can eventually locate Shirdi Osama and drag him to justice. Along of course with half a billion dollars."

Stats on Sony's wildly successful artificially intelligent robot dog read like those for a droid out of a 23rd century Lucas film. Sporting multiple infra-red K-band spectral sensors, 3 high definition CMOS digital cameras that can see in total darkness, 300 k-wave amplified holographic sonic transponders, 12 quantum heat sensors, Doppler radar 3, GPS positioning diodes, satellite communication transmitters, etc, etc, Sony's Aibo could indeed locate Jimmy Hoffa if Hoffa happened to be in the vicinity.

Shirdi Osama, last officially confirmed to be alive 2 years ago after unsuccessfully offering a truce to the Sathya Sai Expose Group, is assumed to be somewhere on planet earth, this solar system at least, most likely around Afghanistan or Pakistan or Iran or Iraq or Turkey or Omaha or .. where EVER Shirdi Osama might be, Sony is hoping that one of their Aibos can find him and collect the reward.

One Aibo owner said, "Our dog Shawn is the most incredible thing .. only .. he can only move at about 0.01 miles per hour. He's slow. Even if an Aibo SAW Shirdi Osama I doubt if he would let an Aibo catch him."

Sony is banking that if one of their Aibos should spot Shirdi Osama that the Aibo would instantly log Bin Laden's exact GPS coordinates, photograph the surrounding terrain, radio that information up to an orbiting military satellite where that data would then be routed to U.S. Marines in the area who would themselves capture the master terrorist and bring him back to President Bush's ranch for, as the President puts it, "some serious questioning by me and Laura".

"We know it's a long shot but it's worth a try" Sony's CEO told reporters adding, "Especially if there's a half billion dollar reward in the picture. Sony's coming for you Mr. Shirdi."

No actual Aibos were available for comment.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

NJ Frat Babe Sees Sai Baba In Ashtray

Princeton, NJ.

A Princeton student claims that the likeness of a Hindu holy man has appeared in her ashtray.

Tufooti Klein, 17, of the Chi Phi fraternity, claims that the image of Sri Sathya Sai Baba has formed miraculously in her glass ashtray. The astrophysical sciences student claims to have been surrounded by fellow classmates during what seems to have been an all-night sex and alcohol party before she started to stare drunkenly at the ash receptacle.

"No one knew what she was gawkin' at," said eyewitness Joe Fuggly. "We all thought she was tripping out on some blazed-out mix of root beer and the white candy if ya get mah meanin'."

Pond scum

The ashtray is a unique model, containing little pieces of pond scum collected from a lake near Tufooti's off-map home town of Little Piglet, Iowa. The item had been presented to Tufooti as a leaving gift by the hamlet community. The Baba's face is believed to be seen due to an alignment of scum particles, which Tufooti claims she has never noticed before and didn't know the identity of the face until a devotee classmate informed her.

"We been dunkin' our smokes and used rubbers into it, and all along it's a holy relic or sum'thin'," she gaggled excitedly. "It's a sign from God, I know it 'cuz I prayed for help to quit da smokes and da drugs and whaddya know, da Lord's boy done appeared in mah damn ashtray!"

Trickery

The Indian Baba's connections with ash do not stop there. Reports from all over the world claim that ash forms on his pictures both inside and outside the glass panel and frames. He is also reported to regularly materialize it in a daily basis while claims of trickery have persisted for decades. Local devotees have commented that this is both his mysterious way of bringing new devotees to him and advising people, especially the young ones, to quit smoking.

"I guess dat means dere's nuthin' wrong with drinkin' or screwin' around afta all 'stead of attendin' classes," giggled Tufooti, who admitted she had serious trouble with making her grades due to her extracurricular activities. "You're not doin' anythin' tonight, are ya?"

At this point I turned on my heels and ran, being unavailable for comment.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Rush for 6/6/6 weddings

Puttaparthi, South India

Prashanthi Nilayam's Public Relations Office has been flooded with requests for wedding bookings for the 6th June 2006, 06/06/06.

Jolting the aged officials out of their continual snooze, all the couples who had been lining up since 3am two days ago in order to book their places and have their weddings sanctified by the local avatar.

The date of choice appears to have been selected for it's Biblical significance as the number '666' is believed to be the 'number of the Beast'.

So far, seventeen couples have been successful in their application. A beaming Rohit Thansevelu, 24, from Tamil Nadu, told us of his complete joy and happiness after having his booking confirmed. "I can't believe this has actually happened. I lined up because I saw a lot of other people lining up for God knows what, and next thing ya know, I'm getting married!"

A slight cause for concern arose when it was discovered that the date would fall on the 13th anniversary of the infamous murder incident, which took place on the 6th June 1993. A bewildered K. Lingeswaran sleepily scratched his head and muttered something about "satanic bastards" when I informed him of the signifiance of '666' and '13'.

After hearing that the next two couples in line planned to fix their wedding times at 6.06 am and pm respectively, Lingeswaran bared his teeth and barked "Get the %$*# out of here!!!"

Sai Baba was unavailable for comment as he was busy downloading the latest Bollywood songs to his iPod.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Baby, you can park my car anytime!

Puttaparthi, South India

Take a few leggy Andhra babes, throw in a passion for luxury cars, plenty of parties, a distaste for parking your own car and what have you got? A multimillion, female valet parking business, where struggling models, actresses and local girls dressed in bikinis, miniskirts or lingerie park the cars of the rich and famous who visit godman Sathya Sai Baba in his Puttaparthi ashram.

The local 'Sai Love Parking' initiative opened for business at the new year and has the ashram's backing. T. Raghuraman, 41, and the brainchild behind the initiative, has announced plans to expand to Sai Baba's other ashrams in Bangalore, Chennai and Mumbai if the Puttaparthi pilot project proves to be successful.

"Given the option of hiring ugly local guys with body odour, or beautiful and sexy-sexy models trained in safety and hospitality, we're betting our asses that all the hot-shot politicos and pleb-celebs who come to visit our local avatar will prefer the latter," said Raghuraman while ostentatiously puffing on a cigar with an evil glint in his eye.

While posing for photographs with his employees, Raghuraman observed that, judging from takings collected since new year, he expected 2006 sales in excess of Rs.30 million, rising to Rs.140 million by 2010. Clients, most of them local and national politicians, can request a variety of uniforms, including lingerie, bikinis, rip jeans, camisoles and miniskirts. "If it is legal, we will do it, but we draw the line at nudity or topless," Raghuraman said.

Employees are hired through the kind of casting calls traditionally seen in the movie business and there are plenty of applicants. About 260 women showed up recently and six were hired.

Sai Baba is reported to have grimaced upon hearing about the developments, but sighed in resignation. A close aide later told us that the Baba had been aggrieved in private about the dire situation facing the girls. "Swami told that the girls will get corrupted and there will be no one to look after the homes while the men are all in Swami's bedroom for the late-night pyjama parties," he said.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Prashanthi Bakery Now Caters For Ashram Dogs

Puttaparthi, South India

The bakery in the ashram's shopping complex has now allowed the local canine population to sample its wares.

Measures that have been implemented include a separate lines for male and female dogs as well as a barter system. "The dogs are very good at stealing things from devotees all around the ashram and hungrily harassing them for food", said Sripathi Sundaresan, manager of the ashram bakery. "If they bring their stolen items here, we will reward them with a chocolate bun, or maybe a piece of pizza. Good idea, huh?"

K. Lingeswaran of the Public Relations Office denied that the move will make their Lost Property service redundant. "It is Swami's sweet will", he exclaimed. "We can move all our Lost Property arrangements to the bakery's management. We already do nothing as it is, and now we can do absolutely nothing but sit here and snooze. Just see Swami's divine play!"

The move is believed to have been sanctioned by Sathya Sai Baba as part of an ongoing initiative to improve the ashram's environmental situation, which in turn results from the Swami's yearly outpouring of New Year good wishes and cheer.

R. Karunakaran asserted that discipline will still remain a paramount concern. "We will be watching for any breaches of the peace from these dogs", the chief Sevadal said while brandishing a long and thick wooden rod with a brown-coated mongrel in his sights. "Them dirty mutts may get excited and argue with each other over the last jam doughnut. And they're still banned from having sex in public too."

Monday, January 02, 2006

Sai Baba Drives 300 Miles In Wrong Direction

Puttaparthi, South India

Sathya Sai Baba drove 300 miles in the wrong direction after using his Jaguar to visit his cows in the local goshalla, which was just down the road from his Puttaparthi ashram.

Late last evening, the Baba suddenly became possessed with the desire to visit and pet his cows, despite it being way past their bedtime as well as his. Foregoing the usual driver, he stole the keys and promptly drove off at a top speed of 120kph.

He was stopped by police hundreds of miles away.

A police spokesman said: "The officers didn't seem to know who he was, and since he looked like one of those crazy hippies, they asked him if he spoke German. He was really lost."

Police alerted the ashram, who promptly sent another car to meet Baba and escort him back home.

Responding to claims that the Baba has been suffering chronic disorientation since his underground burial several days ago, an ashram official said: "This is just a leela, you silly. Just like yesterday's leela with the iPod. You should know better."

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Sai Baba's iPod fiasco

Puttaparthi, South India

Sathya Sai Baba got in a muddle when he tried to show off his new iPod.

The Baba was trying to show how cool he was as he showed off the music player in the ashram's Public Relations Office. But he blundered when he called American Pie singer Don McLean 'Dan'.

And then he seemed to get confused when he tried to explain how the iPod worked.

"I get the shuffle and then I shuffle the shuffle," he told confused reporters.

Asked by a local TV crew which artists he had stored in the gadget, he started reeling off names. "The Beatles, Beach Boys, Rolling Stones, Michael Jackson, Aretha Franklin." Then he said: "Dan McLean... remember him?"

The interviewer asked: "Dan?" Mr Baba explained: "I mean Don McLean. American Pie. What a great song."

An ashram official commented: "This is just an instance of Swami displaying his 'forgetfulness' leela, since he has just come out of an underground pit after three days, which was a great miracle for world peace, didn't ya know? That was also a great leela. Such is the forgetfulness of Swami. Blessed be!"

Upon being asked why the Swami listens to materialistic music rather than spiritual bhajans, the official gave no comment as he was steeped in bliss due to intense contemplation of the Baba's latest leela.

RELAUNCH ISSUE: Sai Baba Re-Emerges From Pit

Greetings to our readers! With the beginning of 2006, we note that our humble publication has gained a wide readership and an ever-growing college of reporters. With this in mind, we have decided to relaunch our publication with a new look and title to mark the occasion. The National Enquirer (Sai Baba Edition) is now known as the "International Sai Tribune". The former title was associated with too much pulp and trashy reporting on sold-out Hollywood has-beens and dried-up old prunes. We now promise to ensure that our reporting is of the highest quality and meets the oft-established standards of irreverency with glee. Please continue to support our irrelevant publication and howl with laughter at our ridiculous stories. And what a better cover-story to mark the occasion than Sai Baba's emergence from an underground pit!

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Puttaparthi, South India

Sathya Sai Baba, who buried himself in a pit three days ago for world peace, today miraculously re-emerged from said pit to the gasp of onlookers.

No digging was involved since the Baba had apparently risen straight out of the ground, according to eyewitness reports.

After shaking his head and hair free of sand and muttering about sand getting in between the cracks, the Baba stated: "I have blessed the world so that there is no more suffering or disturbance. I am very happy that love and peace will be there. Now become my devotee, or else."

Pilot Baba, a Hindu associate who witnessed the event, said: "The soul and the body gets purified by this."