Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Sai Baba Buried For World Peace

Puttaparthi, South India

NESBE has received an exclusive report that Sathya Sai Baba has been buried in an underground pit near his Puttaparthi ashram for three days to try to create a better world.

He plans to remain without food and water for 72 hours inside the 15ft pit in Puttaparthi, Andhra Pradesh to bring peace and order to earth. Before his burial, he made a public announcement that he had embarked on this adventure after being deeply sorrowful regarding the recent earthquake in Pakistan and Kashmir.

He further stated that since it was his life's mission to take care of all people, everywhere, his avataric record would not be complete if he did not perform a significant action relaing to the disaster.

While the Baba meditated in the pit, his senior devotees and Vedic pandits chanted religious hymns over ground, in a bid to protect the Baba from suffocation.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Sai Baba Whoopie Cushioned, Furious

December 25th, 2005
Puttaparthi, India

"It was so quiet you could hear a japamala drop" said one witness after Sri Sathya Sai Baba sat down for Christmas Dinner and a loud PFFFFFT rang out. Prashanthi security is optimistic that they will catch the prankster who keeps playing practical jokes on the Avatar. Last week toy snakes sprang out of the Baba's glass of rosewater amrita knocking his Santa hat right off his head straight into the cheese fondue.

Some suggest that the perpetrator is Channel 4 TV, the same folks from Britain who made the BIG mistake of spraying Tom Cruise with water from a fake microphone last summer.

Channel 4 TV, kind of the Candid Camera for the 21st century routinely secretly films innocent celebrities as Channel 4 plays hilarious practical jokes on them. Prashanthi security has yet to locate any hidden cameras in the ashram but are cautiously on-guard.

One prankster who did get caught isn't talking. Almost a month ago ago he shook hands with Sai Baba who had to say three Gayatri mantras after the prankster's joy buzzer went off in the Baba's hand, this time shocking Sai Baba so that he fell straight into his own birthday cake.

"These seem to be mostly mealtime attacks" one ashram guard said adding, "that's a start .. a clue. "

"If someone is secretly filming these antics they will be prosecuted" ashram officials said. "Swami is not at all amused although he did get a mild chuckle out of the fake bullet holes found in his bedroom window next to his closet.

Guests at the ashram's Christmas dinner pretended nothing had happened after the Baba sat down at the table and the loud PFFFFFFT rang out, reverberating eerily throughout the dining hall.

One guest said, "I wanted to laugh but it being Swami I knew I shouldn't. Then all of a sudden a great big GUFFAW built up in my loins and I had to get up and flee the darshan compound. I barely made it out of the gate before the GUFFAW exploded out of my stomach, up through my larynx and out of my mouth. Before I knew it I was flat on my back reeling with laughter. I'm so ashamed. Excuse me but I think another Guffaw is bubbling up .. BAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!"

Santa Sai Woos Puttaparthi Crowds

25th Dec, 2005
Puttaparthi, South India

Sathya Sai Baba seemed to be getting into a different kind of Christmas spirit, donning a Santa-style hat for his Christmas darshan.

Foregoing his usual white robe and balcony darshan, Sai Baba was driven from outside his rooms by two loving sycophants to a chorus of gasps from the waiting crowd. Sai Baba's big present for his devotees this year was a vision of himself as the Cosmic Santa, the ever-generous and chuckling figure who brings delight to millions of children all over the world.

"Ho ho ho!" the Baba roared as he smilingly alighted from his car and waved to his audience before being seated on the dais and forced to endure a music and drama program, which he watched with his feet up on the back of a bent sevadal who was grinning at his good fortune.

Commenting on the Santa hat, an official from the Puttaparthi Public Relations Office told us: "He's made quite an impression, hasn't he? He's always full of surprises, what a shame he didn't wear the rest of the suit. I'm just watching for the sackful of presents that a little birdie told me is hidden in his hair."

Fashion-watchers have also reported spotting the Baba wearing Gucci sunglasses and Prada shoes in recent months.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Baba Mourns Patriot Act Defeat

Puttaparthi, South India.

Sai Baba today mourned the defeat of the Patriot Act, after the US Congress has voted to trim an extension of the anti-terror law down to a month.

The move is a rebuff to President George W Bush who wanted the legislation extended indefinitely. The Patriot Act, introduced after the 11 September attacks, gives the US government extra powers to monitor terrorism suspects and their finances.

"Even though I constantly say that terrorism is only due to the jealousy tendencies in man, I could have willed Manmohan Singh to pass a similar law here in India so that I could keep an eye on my enemies like Premanand and Edamuruku," the Baba said while weeping.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Sai Baba Applauds Gay Rights Advance

Sai Baba this afternoon cheered and applauded the news that Britain now allows same-sex couples to "marry" as new civil partnership legislation came into force.

As he read through the article in this morning's Deccan Herald with increasing excitement, he muttered under his breath about evoking the same situation in India.

"It's about time that this discrimination came to an end. That is the mission of the Avatar, to eradicate prejudice and envy from the hearts of men. Let them all do as they wish and let everyone's hearts be filled with gay and carefree love."

Being informed that his usage of the word 'gay' could be miscontrued by the general public, the Baba reiterated his position exclaiming, "So what?! That's exactly what I meant!"

The news refers to how lesbian couple Shannon Sickels and Grainne Close tied the knot earlier yesterday, thus assuring their position in gay rights history as the first "gay marriage" of Great Britain. Sai Baba sighed with obvious pleasure as he read that the couple left the City Hall in a pink cadillac. "I want one," he proclaimed, "as I'm getting bored of all these samey Mercs, Jaguars and golden chariots. For God's sake, I can't even drive that out on the road! What a waste of good cash that was!"

Almost 700 "gay marriages" are due to take place across England and Wales on Wednesday when arrangements for the new civil partnerships come fully into operation. Sai Baba intimated to me later that he was so steeped in bliss because of this news, that he was thinking of broaching this subject the next time Indian PM Manmohan Singh came to visit him. "If all goes well due to my willing it," he said, "then next year I can perform 81 gay marriages right here in the mandir as my birthday gift to these lowly people. That should spread my message to the international gay community and more devotees will come to see me and witness my ever-expanding glory."

Upon being asked if he had plans to marry should the situation change in India, Sai Baba responded, "Don't be stupid! I am a celibate guru! Get outta here!"

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Believe it or not: strange stories of 2005

Alongside tragedies, wars and natural disasters the year just ending brought its share of unusual, outrageous and tragi-comic and just downright silly news items.

A selection of the stranger items:

- The authorities running the village cemetery in Puttaparthi were bemused to find tourists beating a path to the grave of a 24-year-old British soldier who died in fighting 68 years earlier. His name, engraved on the headstone, was Harry Potter.

- A German devotee had the idea of placing a specially adapted cellphone in the coco rolls of the Prashanti bakery. That way devotees could get around the strict darshan rules and speak to their relatives under the pretence of having a snack.

- In Japan, police were so upset to hear that a Bal Vikas student who was caught up in a traffic accident had to get to an important EHV exam that they gave him a full escort with sirens, arriving with 10 minutes to spare.

- Puttaparthi Accomodation Office lawmakers threw out a proposal that would have banned young male devotees from wearing low-slung trousers, in clear defiance of the 'trousers only' rule. "Rules are there for a reason," said the ashram official who sought the measure. "Besides, Swami would get overly excited and fall out his wheelchair."

- A man and woman living in adjacent rooms of the ashram apartment blocks made a hole in the wall through which they managed to have sex and produce a child, papers said. "The [ashram] rules say that males and females cannot associate with each other in their rooms after 9pm, so what else was I supposed to do?" the man asked. They got a four-month ban for damaging ashram property.

- A taxi-driver found a pouch containing 350,000-dollars' worth of diamonds left in his cab. The driver, a village bumpkin of Puttaparthi, simply handed them in to the police.

- Workers in the Puttaparthi post office thought they had a bomb on their hands when a parcel for Sai Baba began vibrating and making strange noises. It turned out to contain an inflatable sex toy.

- Before setting off to to the private quarters of the Easwaramma High School students, Sai Baba chanted ancient spells that he believed would make him invisible. He was blocked and mobbed by hundreds of devotees trying to touch his feet and pull his hair after being seen by them, or rather failing to be seen.

- Sai believers in Bangalore flocked to a roadside advertising board after a stain that was said to resemble Sai Baba appeared on it. A graffiti artist then scrawled "Faggot" over it, before the city authorities had the whole thing painted over.

- A top official with the Indian national cricket team took the opportunity of his retirement speech to complain about vocal grunting by players, which he said was getting ever louder and a cause of excitement for Sai Baba.

- Educational authorities in the Blue Mountains, Australia, protested when the state board of studies (majority Sai devotees) proposed making meditation into a high-school diploma subject.

- The Puttaparthi Westerners Accomodation Office said that devotees being snapped for ID photographs should no longer smile or wear vibhuti on their foreheads because it messed up their biometric recognition technology.

- A Puttaparthi bumpkin who enjoyed a night of love with an American devotee in her room got into hot water because of his bad English. He had apparently decided to say "Yes" to whatever she requested -- which worked fine until she thought to ask him, after the fact, whether he had AIDS. "Yes," he answered -- erroneously as it later turned out.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Counterfeit Sainta Clauses Arrested at Malls

December 11th, 2005

Sai Baba devotees, masquerading as 'Sainta Clauses', were arrested at several malls across the country over the weekend for posing as representatives of the Salvation Army. They might have gotten away with their fraud had they not set up their buckets next to real Salvation Army Santas in a couple malls. It was obvious who the real Salvation Army Santas were, because the Saintas had crudely-made Salvation Army signs, hand-painted by Bal Vikas students, whereas the real Salvation Army Santas had signs that are professional in appearance.

Shoppers complained to police that the Sainta Clauses were following them to their cars in the parking lot and pestering them for donations while ringing loud bells at them. Some of the Salvation Army Santas were verbally assaulted by the Sainta Clauses with taunts like "Satan Claus" and "Salvation Army Maya".

Also arrested were several prostitutes dressed up as Santa's helpers that apparently were hired by the Sainta Clauses to get extra donations from many of the men at the malls. One of these female Saintas had been arrested a couple of years ago for going door to door with fake Jehovah's Witness credentials and inserting Sai Baba pamphlets inside the standard Jehovah's Witness pamphlets. Victims of the scheme became suspicious when the imposters attempted to sell packets of imported vibhuti to them.