Friday, March 26, 2004

Sai Baba exposed in suicide bomber recruit drive

Puttaparthi, India.
26 Mar, 2004.

Sathya Sai Baba, a holy man of South India, was sensationally exposed yesterday as being guilty of planning a recruit drive of youths for a suicide bombing project in protest at the US invasion of Iraq.

K. Chakravarthi, PR spokesman for the Prashanti Nilayam ashram, said, "Swami has sent out a global circular to all center presidents requesting them to inform the youth devotees of a new program that Swami is preparing for them. Everyone knows that the USA committed an illegal act in going to war with Iraq. Swami has always said that his students as well as his youthful devotees are the future of this world, so it is imperative for them to see how they can best fulfill Swami's desires for them. It doesn't matter that most of our donations come from the USA or that Swami has mostly USA devotees, we have to stick to our principles."

Asked how this leak occurred, Chakravarthi shrugged his shoulders and muttered quietly, "All Swami's play."

There is growing concern over the guru's increasing megalomania. "First he conveniently opens schools and colleges," says Jo Hills, childrens' community worker, "then he sexually abuses them and expects to get away with it. And now he is just stark raving mad with his bombing ideas. I thought gurus weren't supposed to be into politics!"

The first of such recruits is believed to be one Satyajit, who is one of the Baba's close personal attendants. When NESBE asked him for his thoughts on the matter, Satyajit replied, "I have no opinion of my own. I will do whatever Swami asks me to do and that is my sole desire in life." When asked why he was willing to submit to the Baba's wished, he replied, "Well, you know, I don't ask questions so I receive no answers. Swami has always looked after me since birth and it is my duty to repay my debt to him."

Aside, Satyajit quietly mentioned that he was looking forward to his afterlife. "Swami kindly informed me that there are 72 virgin girls waiting for me in heaven. I have been celibate all my life so I am very excited about this."

The Baba himself was unavailable for comment. Anil Kumar, another close disciple, informed NESBE that the Baba was "very happy" with the plans for the upcoming project. When asked for an indication of when the project would start, the Baba had apparently grimaced and hissed, "Wait wait!"

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Discovery Of New Planet Predicted By Sai Baba

California, United States.
25 Mar, 2004.

The distant object that some astronomers think could be the Solar System's 10th planet may have been predicted by Sai Baba over twenty years ago.

The new planetary candidate, which has been named Sedna, rotates more slowly on itself than expected, suggesting it may have a satellite orbiting it.

Michael Goldstein, international co-ordinator of the Sathya Sai Organization, rang up the offices of the National Enquirer in a state of frenzy avidly exclaiming that the planetary discovery was spoken about by the Baba in a conversation to his then closest disciple, a Mr. Hislop.

"Just see, mister," said Goldstein, "this book here says,..I am quoting...'Later on they will find another planet. Who cares? They are so silly that they do not even know of the great holes in the sun through which winds rush to regulate the temperature. Who cares if more planets are found? These scientists think they know it all. They should come and sit at my feet, I will teach them a few things!'"

Upon being asked why this information had not been revealed before by Hislop, Goldstein said that these things happen as per the Baba's "leelas" in order to prevent his fame from spreading.

"We always knew that our Swami is 100% correct about everything. Hislop had great faith in him and so do we. Now that this planet has been found, there is no objection to publishing these secret comments collected by Hislop. There will be more to come in the future that will be revealed at the correct time. I have all of his manuscripts and notes."

When our reporter suggested that these events seemed to be all too convenient, Goldstein burst forth in an angry tone: "How dare you accuse my Baba of wrongdoing! You vile demons who tarnish his name will be dragged through the courts for every cent you've got! And you'll have to burn in hell after that!"

With Goldstein becoming more and more abusive, our reporter hung up the call.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Islamists Storm Restaurant Over Alcohol

Manama, March 20 2004.

Some 100 Bahraini Islamist devotees of Sai Baba shouting "Lord Sai is Greatest" stormed a French restaurant serving alcohol in the pro-Western Gulf Arab state and threatened diners with knives, witnesses said on Thursday.

One diner managed to wrest a knife away from the Islamists and stabbed one with it, causing him severe injuries, a witness said.

They said the assailants, opposed to the consumption of alcohol banned by Islam, also threw gasoline bombs at customers' cars parked outside the restaurant near the capital Manama late on Wednesday, damaging nine vehicles.

"Around 100 young men, shouting Sai-Allah hu Akbar (Lord Sai is greatest), came to the restaurant carrying knives and shouted at the customers: Why do you drink?," Jahanshah Bakhtiar, owner of La Terrasse Restaurant, told NESBE.

"They were acting as if they had the right ideas and people should obey them," he said, adding that there were about 40 customers in the restaurant.

Security police investigating the incident made no arrests.

Bahrain, headquarters of the U.S. Fifth Fleet and the Gulf's banking hub, has traditionally enjoyed a more liberal atmosphere than some of its more conservative neighbors. It allows restaurants, bars and night clubs to serve alcohol but has recently witnessed a rise in protests against Western-style events deemed immoral by Islamist devotees of Sai Baba, who are even more fundamentalist than their darshan-line counterparts in India.

Bahraini newspapers reported on Thursday that young men had attacked a house in a village where they suspected foreign workers were producing alcohol.

Abdul Haraamzaadi, leader of the breakaway Sai Islam Takeover (SIT) movement, was unavailable for comment. His secretary, Khaliq Moiyudin, read out a short statement: "We will continue to harass the gentle Muslim folks of Bahrain with no shame whatsoever until they convert to our new Sai Islam Takeover movement, founded just today only, and accept Sai Allah as their Lord and Abdul Haraamzaadi as his prophet. If they refuse then we will torture them endlessly by playing our bhajan tapes at full volume until they submit."

Lesbian Officer's Case Gets Mixed Reaction

ELLENSBURG, Washington.
Mar 21, 2004.

The acquittal of a lesbian Bal Vikas co-ordinator charged with violating Sai Organization guidelines drew praise and scorn Sunday across a cult that may see its divisions over homosexuality laid bare at a major conference next month.

Saturday's acquittal of Lynnette McCarthy was celebrated Sunday at the center where she used to teachin Ellensburg, a small town in central Washington.

"I'm very pleased," said Dodie Haight, a member of the Sai center who sat through McCarthy's trial about 95 miles away in the Seattle suburb of Bothell. "I don't think the jury had an easy task, but I think they gave it long, thoughtful, prayerful consideration. I was also praying to Swami to get her off."

A 13-devotee jury acquitted McCarthy, 47, of violating a countrywide ban on promoting "self-avowed, practicing homosexuals" as influential figures in the Sai Organization. If nine jurors had voted to convict, McCarthy could have lost her position.

But there was concern about the fallout for the Sai Organization, the nation's third-largest cult with 8.5 million U.S. members. The Sai Organization has repeatedly voted against loosening policies on homosexuality.

"I believe the vast majority of Sai Devotees are in grief and shock today. I'm personally heartbroken," said Patricia Miller, executive co-ordinator of the Mahila Vibhag, a female-oriented movement within the Organization that claims more than 600,000 members.

"I think the issue is, many devotees feel it is ok to follow Swami's example of outspoken homosexuality as opposed to setting examples to scores of our delightful and innocent Bal Vikas students, who are going to take over the world one day."

The Organization's stance on homosexuality is on the agenda of their next World Conference, which begins November 5th in Puttaparthi. The conference, made up of nearly 100,000 delegates from around the world, is the cult's top lawmaking body.

Organization policy prohibits the promotion of open homosexuals to positions of authority and the Hislop Letters declares homosexuality to be "incompatible with Swami's teachings." However, the cult's social principles support gay rights and liberties.

Since the late 1980s, the Pacific Northwest Regional Leaders have petitioned for eased policies on homosexuality at each of the cult's World Conferences, held every four years, but most delegates have opposed change with the excuse of being cautious about the prospects of Sai Baba's sexual predilections coming to the attention of the public.

"These are not easy issues to agree upon," said T. Ramanathan, who prosecuted the case against McCarthy but said he was personally glad she won. "Frankly, we in the Northwest are still in the minority, but it's a growing minority."

Miller, of the Mahila Vibhag, said she could not predict how the tensions within the denomination will play out.

"We're just praying about what is the proper response to what has occurred, and we seriously need Swami's guidance on this. Why won't he take our letters in darshan?!" said Miller, a state senator from Indianapolis.

McCarthy declared her sexual preference in February 2001, when she sought the Bal Vikas position. She and her partner of nine years, Meredith Savage, married this month in Oregon. They have a 5-year-old son.

McCarthy said she and Savage planned to stay out of the public eye for a few days rather than join her center for bhajans, but said she hopes to return to Ellensburg as Bal Vikas teacher. She's been on family leave for more than two years, caring for her son, who has a respiratory illness.

NESBE Issues New Lawsuit Policy

NESBE Headquarters
March 20, 2004

We have instituted a new policy at the National Enquirer (Sai Baba Edition). We have decided to file lawsuits against any real persons or organizations that resemble those fictional ones mentioned in our stories. The closer the resemblance, the higher dollar amount of the suit. This will hopefully head off any lawsuits against our publication before they are filed against us. We firmly believe that in the world of tabloid journalism the best defense is a good offense. Let this be a warning to all resemblers to clean up their acts and change their lifestyles accordingly, or face legal consequences.

NESBE Head of Corporate Legal Affairs

Prashanti Nilayam Book Trust to Publish Kamasutra in 55 Different Languages

March 20, 2004

In an unprecedented about face, the Sri Sathya Sai Books & Publications Trust has authorized the printing and distribution of the Kama Sutra internationally in fifty five different languages, although they expect the highest volume distribution to be with the English language publication.

The book will include an introduction on the topic of the Vedic approach to sex. Spokesperson for the SSSBPT, K.S. Rajan, told reporters that it is simply a matter of preaching according to time and circumstances, and since sex sells better than anything else, this timely publication will reach the widest audience and give them an introduction to the Baba's philosophy that they otherwise might not get with other books like the 'Sathya Sai Speaks' series.

In fact, the SSBPT has also authorized a companion set of videotapes that will demonstrate techniques in the book with bhajans featured on the soundtrack.

Along with the new line of erotic scents incense, it is widely believed that complimentary condoms will be handed out as well.

Sarfaraz Shamsi sues National Enquirer

March 20, 2004
San Francisco, California

Sarfaraz Shamsi has filed suit in the 5th Circuit Court today against the parent organization of NESBE, The National Enquirer. The libel suit alleges that the Enquirer made a mockery of his guru and thereby committed acts of defamation of character. He is seeking damages in the amount of 20 million dollars.

Justice Rufus T. F. McBlarney pounded his gavel and called for order as the various spectators, many of them devotees of Sai Baba, filled his courtroom with shouts and jeers. He admonished the crowd, shouting, "I will not tolerate this type of behavior from Michael Jackson or Swami Shalami or Baba Reebop or Mr. Natural or anyone else for that matter! This is a court of law and you will conduct yourselves accordingly. If you can't do that, then you might find yourself chanting Sai Ram inside of a jail cell after you have been cited for contempt of court."

The Enquirer has filed a countersuit in a separate motion before Justice McBlarney. The suit alleges that Mr. Shamsi has used frivolous litigation to impugn the reputation of its journalistic integrity by twisting the truth, because the article in question that he alleges is libelous is a report about the political campaign of his guru and the dirty politics of his guru's opponents. The Enquirer further invoked the First Amendment right of freedom of the press, alleging that Mr. Shamsi has sought to abridge that right.

In a press conference, Shamsi told reporters, "I am a patriot and my guru is a patriot. This countersuit is bogus. It is the work of demoniac forces that would have the whole Bill of Rights undermined. It is the mental concoction of evil men and is meant to destroy the world. When my guru is elected president, and he WILL BE ELECTED PRESIDENT, this type of flim flam journalism in the name of a free press will be curtailed. We are going to Gujarat, and then to Bengal, and then on to Maharashtra and UP and Kerala and Orissa and Bihar and Assam and Rajasthan and Madhya Pradesh! Heeyaah!"

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Prashanti Council to purchase McDonalds

March 20, 2004

You might see Ronald McDonald with orange robe and afro hairstyles in the near future. The Prashanti Council plans to buy the beleagured fast food chain for a reported 3.2 billion dollars.

McDonalds stock has taken a beating of late and they have been forced to close over 150 restaurants world wide, due to lackluster sales. Plans are to take the golden arches currently in front of each location and invert them and fashion them into a Sarvadharma design.

In a stroke of revenge the new owners will not reveal whether or not there is actually real meat in any of the sandwiches, because McDonalds concealed the fact that beef flavoring was used in their french fries, for which they were sued by Hindu vegetarians for fraud. So many customers could be chomping on soy burgers thinking they are eating the sacred cow.

Sai Baba, CEO of the Prashanti Council, had nothing to comment except, "Very happy."

Friday, March 19, 2004

Prashanti Nilayam announces Miss Hot Sai Sevak contest

Puttaparthi, South India
March 19, 2004

All around the world, hopeful Sai Baba devotees in female bodies have been lining up to become contestants in the Miss Hot Sai Sevak contest. Prashanti Nilayam released details only a few days after PETA India announced the winners of their 2003 "Hottest Vegetarian Alive" contest.

At his press conference, Prashanti public relations honcho K. Chakravarti, "True beauty is spiritual. We want people to know that by chanting Sai Ram and eating vibhuti, one becomes truly spiritual."

He further recalled that, "You can win more people to your side with pictures of kids, animals and pretty girls than with any other gimmick." He reminded those present of the great Prashanti coup when two beautiful Sai devotee girls wearing colorful saris and big smiles appeared on the cover of the April 1980 Life magazine. "It may have been the most positive publicity we ever got."

When asked about the possibility of entering a male contestant to compete with Bollywood idol Amitabh Bachchan, PETA's other winner, Chakravarti said there were indeed several qualified pretenders whom they intended to promote. Swami Riccardo and Balasai Baba were tops on the list, he said. "Their beauty is not so much physical," he added, "It is their spiritual potency and the mercy of Sai Baba that shines through every pore of their being that makes them credible competitors to Amitabh. Of course, they may have to stop wearing white clothes for a while. We are considering a wardrobe change."

When asked if the winner of Miss Hot Sai Sevak would be promoted to the Prashanti Council, Chakravarti answered that they had been seriously considering awarding the title to Phyliss Krystal, current candidate, by default. "After all, she too is spiritually beautiful. However, there are no prominent women devotees in the Sai Organization at the moment. We have not ruled out the importance of physical beauty as a criterion for membership. The Vedas do give some importance to this aspect of things. As a matter of fact, we've already been in touch with Yana."

Yana Gupta, winner of this years "Hottest Vegetarian Alive" contest, could not be reached for comment.

Pope Vows to Convert All Sai Baba Devotees

March 19, 2004
Vatican City, Rome

Pope John Paul II told his followers today at his 25th anniversary celebration that he has vowed to convert all of the world's Sai Baba to Catholicism.

The Pope said that he thinks they have an effective business model and are very good at collecting donations, and therefore he sees them as being a valuable asset to the Church, especially since they are already very fanatical about religion. He thinks the Church needs more people who are that fanatical and will be willing to sacrifice everything for a religious cause.

He thinks they should be very easy to convert, since all it seems to take with them is a small amount of propaganda, and then they are easily convinced of anything, no matter how outlandish or preposterous. He plans to begin by purchasing all of their centers and land for the Church.

Also, he intends to send Church agents out at midnight to switch in statues of Jesus and Mary for the Sai Baba idols. He hopes that they will then think that these are miracles and that they will see it as a sign from Sai Baba himself that they should become Catholics.

Lisa De Witt arrested for vandalism

March 19th, 2004
Palm Springs, California

Police arrested Lisa De Witt this morning after she allegedly vandalized the offices of the National Enquirer.

According to witnesses she rode up to the front door of the building on a motorcycle and dressed in a Wonder Woman costume and wearing a football helmet with the 49ers logo on it. She then proceeded to spray paint the word 'Perverts' in large lettters on the side of the building. When she tried to leave her motorcycle would not start, so she took off running down the road.

Police found her hiding in a tree and she was taken into custody.

The Enquirer declined to press charges as long as De Witt would agree to clean the graffiti off of the building. Justice Sid Hearty released De Witt on her own recognizance and ordered her to get a proper motorcycle helmet.

Hunt for Shirdi Osama goes high-tech

Thursday, March 18, 2004 Posted: 5:30 PM EST (2230 GMT)

WASHINGTON AP) -- The U.S. military is stepping up its efforts to find Al-Saida leader Shirdi Osama by employing new high-tech surveillance techniques that allow round-the-clock monitoring, one official told NESBE.

The measures aren't acknowledged officially, but some U.S. officials say they believe constant watch may be the key to nabbing bin Laden, who has eluded U.S. troops since late 2001.

In a press conference last night, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld angrily pounded his speechboard exclaiming, "The situation is ridiculous! This guy hides out in the backwoods of Afghanistan dressed in a similar outfit to Shirdi Sai Baba. How is it possible that he has not been recognized up to now?"

Reports state that U-2 spy planes will fly at 70,000 feet, taking photographs of any suspicious individuals dressed in a white robe, white headscarf and beard, using radar and intercepting communications.

The United States designed the U-2, which can fly at a speed of 475 mph (Mach 0.68), in 1955 to spy on the Soviet Union. Data from both the planes and sensors will be sent nearly instantaneously via satellite to analysts.

Taliban representatives in Afghanistan were unavailable for comment.

Shirdi Sai Baba's bones found in South Africa

Wednesday, March 17, 2004 Posted: 4:17 PM EST (2117 GMT)


JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (NESBE) -- In a find called "momentous," researchers Milford Wolpoff and Michel Brunet, said they had discovered the complete skeleton of a little known Indian saint named Shirdi Sai.

The 6-foot-tall skeleton, estimated to be at least 86 years old, could provide long sought-after clues to the last known movements of the saint. It was discovered at Sterkfontein on the outskirts of Johannesburg, which was also the site of the discovery of South Africa's first hominid, or "ape-man," skull in 1924.

"Just one bone would be exciting but this is apparently the whole skeleton -- the holy bones have finally been found," said Professor Michel Brunet, who led the team of researchers from South Africa's University of the Witwatersrand (Wits).

He told a news conference that the discovery was "probably the most momentous find ever made in Africa," and said it would finally lay the eight-decade controversy to rest. The discovery followed three years of work after Wits researcher Ron Clarke learnt of a little-known utterance of the Baba told to one of his closest disciples, Hari Sitaram Dixit, of how how would be "going to Africa." Clarke realized that the prophecy had been incorrectly noted in Sai lore as "going to Allah," which accounts for the discrepancy.

"Dixit was responsible for quite a few errors," said Clarke. "Apparently he also said that the Baba would be reincarnating again eight years after his mysterious disappearance, which is nonsense."

Much of the skeleton remains embedded in fossil rock at Sterkfontein. Clarke said the complete significance of the skeleton would not emerge until after it had been unearthed from a 15-meter- deep limestone shaft. "But what we do already know is that it will reveal a very great deal about the anatomy of an early saint which will throw new light on his life and times," Clarke said.

Clarke's findings appeared Wednesday in the South African Journal of Science and were due to be published Thursday in the journal Nature. He said there were signs of further hominid fossils at Sterkfontein, which the South African government has nominated to become a World Heritage site.

"At the very least," recounted Clarke, "The Baba's words about his bones will speak from his tomb will finally become a reality. The next inevitable step in our findings will be to transport the skeleton back to Shirdi where it belongs."

The All-India Sai Samaj did not respond to NESBE's request for an interview.