Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Lisa De Witt Wins Prashanti Council Internship

August 26, 2003
Los Angeles, CA

Looks like Lisa De Witt has landed her dream summer job, which should earn here some much needed spending money before starting her new stage career (our very own entertainment reporter broke exclusive scoop on that story today - kudos to her). She will have various responsibilities in her position as intern at the Prashanti Council headquarters.

She told us on the phone, "Doors have really opened up for me since my boob job. I'll be working under many high-ranking PC members and learning the ropes. Its all very exciting. I hope I don't blow it by showing up late for work or getting caught doing my nails on company time or talking on the phone with one of my boyfriends (especially not the married ones or even the students - whoops! There I go again with my big mouth!) or just being in general maya. This is just too important for my resume."

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Dr. Ruth Sex Workshops Sai Center

August 15, 2003
Atlanta, GA

The famous author and celebrity Dr. Ruth Westheimer put on a week-long 'Good Sex' workshop which was attended by hundreds of male and female Sai devotees. Dr. Ruth started off the seminar by having them go through books written by their spiritual guru and highlighting in yellow all words of a sexual nature, like ‘penis’ and ‘genitals’. When she was informed that Sai Baba rarely uses such words, she aternly scolded the attendees for being afraid to use such words with fear. She told our sex columnist, “They were all very attentive and inquisitive. All the young men dressed in white had so many questions about masturbation techniques, which is good to see."

"Most Americans do not want to admit how much they masturbate. I had to tell them that masturbation is, although an act of freedom, selfish, and that they should look into different ways of enhancing orgasms with partners, and then all their hands went up as they bombarded me with questions about how do to that.”

The workshop was so well received, that the devotees have booked Dr. Ruth for engagements around the world for the rest of the year and well into next year. They have even asked her to review their curriculum for sex education in their Bal Vikas schools.

Friday, August 15, 2003

Prashanti Council Hunts Mole Within Ranks

August 14, 2003

The Prashanti Council is leaving no stone unturned in their search for the mole within their own organization that tipped off NESBE to the failed commando raid by PC ninjas led by 'Goofy' yesterday morning. NESBE has chosen not to acquiesce to their demands for the return of a packet of ecstasy tablets dropped by one of their commandos in the parking lot. What the PC does not realize is that there is more than one mole feeding us information about their secret meetings and plans for world domination.

The press will not be silenced and the inquisitive public will not be denied their right to know the facts, commando raids or not. Just about now they should be discovering the hidden microphone in the red Swingline stapler they confiscated from our premises. Too late. We already have the secret plans that they wanted to keep 'hush hush'. Also we have it all on tape as the one PC member chased his secretary around the desk and huffed and puffed as he struggled to run with his huge belly hanging over his white trousers shouting out his declarations of love (or was it lust?).

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Prashanti Council Stages Commando Raid On NESBE Headquarters

August 13, 2003

At 11:00 AM this morning several Humvees painted in military camouflage pulled in the parking lot at the offices of National Enquirer Sai Baba Edition. A team of commandos in black ninja attire leaped out of the vehicles and surrounded the complex, wielding automatic weapons. To their dismay, however, the buildings had already been evacuated a half hour earlier, due to an anonymous phone call tipping off our security department to the raid. Our own chief of security reported his first hand account from his vantage point in some bushes where he hid and observed through binoculars:

"It was clearly a Prashanti Council commando team. I could make out the letters P and C that were painted over on one of the vehicles, apparently spray painted quickly and without enough coats of paint to obscure the letters. The leader was dressed as a Disney character, Goofy I think. One of them who had a thin strip of white cloth hanging out of his black ninja leather pants tripped over the laces of his black Reeboks, which he forgot to tie, inadvertently discharging his weapon and knocking down three of his fellow ninjas. They got up a few seconds later, apparently saved by their Kevlar vests under the ninja suits. I could make out dark marks on some of their foreheads where they usually put on that ash stuff. The leader went inside and came out a couple minutes later carrying a Red Swingline stapler in one hand and a box of donuts under the other. Then they just took off. I went over and retrieved a small packet that fell out of the pocket of the one who tripped and it was a foil wrapped handful of Ecstasy tablets. The anonymous caller sounded a lot like that girl, what's her name again, Lizzy Witt or something like that."

The Prashanti Council could not be reached for comment.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Prashanti Council Orders No Contact With Media

August 12, 2003
Los Angeles, CA

The Sri Sathya Sai Organization management team, the Prashanti Council, has ordered all of its full and part time members not to grant any interviews to National Enquirer Sai Baba Edition reporters.

This is fine with NESBE as we are have no qualms about putting words in the mouths of members, because what they do say is often too cryptic to understand and requires a considerable amount of editing to put into print for our select audience. So we thank the Prashanti Council for saving us money and giving us the opportunity to be the mouthpiece for their newsworthy members that just can't seem to miss a photo-op and chance to see their names in print. Yes they do love their media exposure.

Lisa De Witt Headlines Vegas Revue

Las Vegas, NV
August 12, 2003

Lisa De Witt, a devotee of Sathya Sai Baba from Arizona, US., has won the starring role in the new topless revue at the Bellagio Casino, which opens next month. This is her first major role as a singer and dancer on the stage, for which she had to compete against hundreds of other talented young women.

When asked by National Enquirer's entertainment reporter if she was nervous about going topless in front of a huge audience, she replied, "Well, yes it is a big step for me and like, wow! I mean all of those people staring at my boobs and all, but then again I am an entertainer and this is the chance of a lifetime for me. Some of the other girls like to picture the audience as all being topless to calm their nerves, but I would rather think of them all as being Swami and my dancing for His pleasure. Then it is not really maya, at least I don't think so."