Wednesday, July 31, 2002

Sai Student Treated For Bizarre Dermatological Condition

July 30, 2002
Puttaparthi, South India

A student at Easwaramma High School was treated by Super Speciality Hospital staff for a bizarre dermatological condition yesterday. Nurses removed almost a full liter of pus from the youth's face, scalp and chin area.

The teenager, Sridhar Balasubramanium, 14, has had severe acne for a couple of years, but his parents forbade him using any of the conventional over the counter remedies, on account of their Sai religion that forbids any medical treatments not in accordance with the ancient Hindu texts know as the Vedas. They insisted that he was only to be treated by regular application of the burnt cow dung ash that their guru, Sathya Sai Baba, is believed to materialize in profucion.

The attending physician, Dr. Dollyram told reporters that the boy could have had almost 100% relief from his symptoms from any of a number of free remedies at the local pharmacy.

Apparently the boy also suffered psychological trauma from his condition at the hands of bullies at his school that taunted him with cruel nicknames such as "pimple head" and "zit-ananda". Social workers are investigating the school, as well as the boy's household environment to determine the extent of abuse and whether or not to remand the youth to the care of a foster home. One of the nurses who worked on Sridhar said that his head really did look like one huge zit and that he had trouble even opening and closing his eyes, due to the swollen condition of his entire head.

Subramanium's treatment is still underway. Sai Baba could not be reached for comment.

Friday, July 26, 2002

Sai Baba Extremist Under Investigation

July 25, 2002
Washington, D.C.

The Director of the CIA released a report to the press earlier today that reveals that Sai Organisation extremists are currently under investigation for allegedly sending hidden messages in crop circles around the globe.

Intelligence agencies from several different countries have pieced together evidence that Sai devotees have been hatching an elaborate plot for world domination over the past couple decades. This plan involves instituting a Hindu-type caste system with Sai Baba as the authoritarian universal guru of the world. There are also taking very seriously the theory that the devotees are in collaboration with space aliens that are very much interested in colonizing the earth.

Purchases of black market nuclear warheads that have been missing from arsenals in the former Soviet Union have been traced to some of the extremist leaders that also have been publishing leaflets with neo-Nazi propaganda and dropping them on various European cities from small aircraft. It is not clear what they intend to do with the weaponry, but certain sources have leaked a plot to build a mythical weapon known as the brahmastra, which is mentioned in the Hindu epic poem Mahabharata, which is about an ancient war in India.

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

Enron Executives Double Life As Sai Imitationist Exposed

July 24, 2002
Houston, TX

Ex-Enron executive Alfred K. Boggins has been leading a double life. Monday through Friday he would head into his office at the notorious Enron Corporation, and on weekends he would head over to a local Sai Baba center to pose as an authorized channeler for the spirit of his guru, Sathya Sai Baba, to intercede on behalf of worshippers and spout Saicobabble philosophy from a lavish jewel encrusted throne.

He had a special afro wig with integral pony tail for effect, just so he could disguise himself as a Hindu holy man. His tailor would sew silk orange robes for him in between orders for his Armani suits that he wore to work at his day job. His secret was discovered when his wife, who suspected he was having extramarital affairs (since she never saw him on weekends), had him followed by a private detective. The Sai devotees thought that he was magically disappearing and re-appearing in faroff countries to preach Sai's gospel.

Authorities are now looking for Boggins, also known as Sri Sathya Sai Blah-Blah, who is wanted for questioning over the recent scandals at Enron. It is believed that he left the country for some unknown destination on his jet without filing the customary flight plans as expected. They are following leads at various Sai centers around the globe in a bid to find his hideout. The FBI are also looking for him on account of huge quantities of illegal drugs found in a secret sub-basement at his lavish Houston mansion.

Also discovered in the sub basement were several Texas prostitutes locked in various chambers who claim that Boggins was holding them to be sold into slavery in harems over in Arab countries. One of them told reporters, "He has this weird weekly ritual where he would make us jump into a big vat of sugar water and then proceed to lick it off of us, calling us his little gulab jamuns. Then he would make us chant Om Sai Ram a hundred and eight times and tell us all our sins had been wiped away."

One of his disciples told the press in a recent interview, "He kept using the Enron examples in his lectures, and it was getting more and more frequent up until his disappearance a few weeks ago. He also came into the temple with very sticky hands on Saturday morning, muttering something about 'naughty ladies' and then requesting a bowl of warm water to rinse them off."

Friday, July 19, 2002

Sai Baba Devotees Worship Loch Ness Monster

July 18, 2002
Loch Ness, Scotland

Sai Baba devotees were out in force here today, doing their big pooja cermemony to the Loch Ness Monster. They heard a rumour on the Internet that their spiritual leader, Sathya Sai Baba, had said the creature is actually the legendary Kaliya serpent mentioned in their sacred Hindu bible.

They attempted at one point to tie up a local Protestant minister as a human sacrifice to the elusive creature, but a band of drunken Scottish golfers rescued the poor fellow. They then proceeded to harrass the local wildlife instead, throwing pieces of unleavened whole wheat bread at them and scaring the bejesus out of them in the process.

Scotland Yard sent out investigators to make sure there were no Al-Saida operatives that might have infiltrated the UK branch of the Sai Organization. In the end they just issued citations for littering to the few stragglers that were on the premises at sunset.

Thursday, July 18, 2002

Elvis Sighting at Sai Center

July 17, 2002
Roswell, NM

There has reportedly been an Elvis sighting at a Sai Baba center near Roswell, New Mexico, an area famous for UFO activity. Several witnesses reported seeing the late pop star appear in a blinding flash of light in the middle of an outdoor chanting ceremony.

According to reports he danced around for twenty seconds and then mysteriously vanished into thin air. J. Bock, aged 57 and mother of three, a lifelong Presley fan told reporters, "It was just incredible. I always knew Elvis was a devotee of Swami. There are hidden messages in his song, 'Blue Suede Shoes', which I have been telling people for years, but no one believed me, until now."

The real meaning involves a reference to Sai Baba's feet, which are bluish on occasion and soft like a lotus flower, and suede is soft too. UFO investigators searched the grounds of the ranch for any signs of a landing of extraterrestrials. However, they did not find anything significant, but did unearth a stash of hallucinogenic drugs buried near the center.

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

Sai Devotees Purchase Nevada Brothel

July 15, 2002
Las Vegas, NV

The International Sai Organization has just purchased a failing house of ill-repute eighty miles south of Las Vegas, The Sinderella Palace. There has already been a schism between the acquired employees and the new management over dress codes.

The Sai officials expect the ladies to greet guests at the door with a polite and smiling "Sai Ram" greeting while dressed in traditional Indian saris, instead of the usual Victoria's Secret and Agent Provocateur lingerie they have invested much of their earnings on recently. They have been told that they have to purchase expensive saris with gold trim out of their own pockets and that this will liberate them from the cycle of birth, death and rebirth, on account of the proceeds going to the mission of their founder, Sri Sathya Sai Baba, whom they believe to be the living god on earth.

Madame Betty Swallocks told reporters, "The whole sari thing is not the worst part, it's those male Sai devotees who expect us to do all kinds of kinky things for money. Most of our girls are only into straight sex, and they deliver the goods in a professional manner. Of course they do give us extra tips not to tell their wives that they have been using our services, but that does not make up for their lack of personal hygiene. I heard they do not even use toilet paper most of the time. Ick!"

Thursday, July 04, 2002

Disclaimer

The International Sai Tribune is a satirical blogpaper. All names used in stories are invented, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

All quotations in the International Sai Tribune are fictional and included for satirical effect. Any similarity of fictional quotations to actual statements is accidental and coincidental. Some quotations are provided verbatim intentionally.

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