Sunday, June 30, 2002

Sai President's Wife Sues Congregation

San Francisco, California
June 29th, 2002

The wife of president of a local Sai Center here has filed suit in the Federal circuit court against one hundred and eight members of the center's congregation. The suit alleges that the defendants in the action caused her husband to become a gluttonous carnivore with their exaggerated tales of eating meat dishes aplenty.

According to the sect's religious doctrine, followers are prohibited from eating meat on the grounds that it displeases their leader. The suit alleges that many of the defendants claimed to be eating meat as often as nine times a day, and several of them claimed to be having extramarital affairs with as many as three dozen other sect members.

The plaintiff, Mrs. Y.V.Rao, told reporters, "We have an enduring respect for all religions and, although we greatly admire the Biblical episode of orgiastic ecstasy that took place while Moses was receiving the Ten Commandments, we had no intention that such a wonderful leela would be re-enacted in our day and age, several times! However, these hypocrites have no right to sue and slander my husband as they also do not follow our ideals. Jesus did say to slap them on the other cheek after all."

Upon being told that her interpretation of Christ's axiom was incorrect, Mrs. Rao barked "tough!" and showed me her middle finger.

Saturday, June 29, 2002

Congregation Sues Sai Baba President

San Francisco, California
June 28th, 2002

The congregation of a Sai Center here has filed a lawsuit against its president. The suit alleges that the president, Y.V. Rao, engineered an elaborate scheme to bilk the center out of funds by filing a lawsuit against himself over breaking a vow relating to his dietary conventions.

According to a spokesperson for the sect, S.L. Somasundaram, Rao, 54, has hired two attorneys, one to defend him and the other to sue him with the intention of getting them to invest a large portion of their legal fees in his new fast food restaurant. Neither of Rao's attorneys could be reached for comment. Somasundaram told local reporters in an interview this morning, "It is unbelievable that he would do this and with not one legal eagle, but two. I think he must be in double maya!"

Friday, June 28, 2002

Sai Baba Man Sues Himself

San Francisco, California
June 27th, 2002

A local center president in the Sai Baba sect has filed a lawsuit with himself named as both the plaintiff and defendant in the Federal circuit court here yesterday. The suit alleges that he broke his vow not to eat meat, and is therefore entitled to punitive damages against himself for the pain and suffering he has caused to his congregation.

In a motion to dismiss by his defense attorney on the grounds that the lawsuit is frivolous, his prosecuting attorney argued that his client is actually two individuals by the tenets of his own faith; one is his 'soul' and the other is his 'ego'. He further argued that it was the ego that broke the vow and that the soul is not entitled to damages.

Justice Berk T. V. Noad has take the matter under advisement and will issue a ruling by the end of the next week, after he has had a chance to review the doctrines of the Sai sect.

Wednesday, June 26, 2002

Florida Mass Poisoning Taxes Local Hospitals

June 25, 2002
Fort Lauderdale, FL

Local hospitals are overburdened with victims of an incident that occurred over the weekend at the center run by the Sri Sathya Sai Seva Organizations. 119 persons became violently ill over the course of the afternoon Sunday during an outdoor festival. Their symptoms were all similar and included vomiting and diarrhea.

Public health officials first suspected salmonella, but that has now been ruled out due to the organization's strict vegetarianism. Yesterday a youth, aged 15, came forward and confessed that he had added cow dung ash to a batch of yogurt drink that had been served. He claims that he did not intend to harm anyone, but was only acting on the books of his senior authorities, which teach that cow dung burnt to ashes is pure and sacred. He reasoned that he was only making the sacred remnants of food and drink offered to his God even more sacred by adding this new 'secret ingredient'.

The youth was not charged, but the court has ordered that he report to a local mental health facility for psychological evaluation, pending a formal hearing. All of the victims are reportedly in fair to good condition and several have already been released. Mr. Ravindra Somanathan, spokesman for the sect made an official statement to the press on Monday, in which he stated: "We have never had a policy of serving cow dung, or any other kind of manure for that matter, to the public even if it is only ashes. The boy in question acted entirely on his own in this and was never authorized by an adult to engage in this type of activity."

The dung had apparently been used in a religious ceremony earlier in the day and police are considering charging the management of the center with criminal negligence and improper handling of hazardous waste.

Florida governor Jeb Bush this morning in an official press release said, "We do not have fanatical cults in this state. This was not another Waco. The situation is under control and no links to any Al-Qaeda operatives have been established. But I assure you that we are investigating all leads. I spoke with the President this morning and his prayers go out to the families of the victims."

Thursday, June 20, 2002

Launching the National Enquirer (Sai Baba Edition)

Welcome to the LAUNCH issue of the National Enquirer (Sai Baba Edition). We promise to bring you a wide variety of stories and reports from our cadre of roving reporters all over the world that will keep you abreast of the activities of one of the biggest hot-shot gurus in India today!

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's - Sai Baba! The self-appointed Avatar of the Age!

NESBE is promised exclusive rights to cover news stories, wahoo! So you WILL be getting all our stories hot off the presses! All donations to be sent to the usual address.